MIDLIFE DATING: FINDING "MR.(S) RIGHT"

Dear Max,

I am 43 years old, well educated, established in my career, and single. “Single” is what I want to change. The challenge seems to be meeting Mr. Right. I have been out of the dating scene for so long I don’t know where to begin. My friends are trying to get me to meet someone online. Is that safe? Is that how it is done these days? Just doesn’t feel right to me. I want to make the right choice. Where do I begin?

Val

Dear Val,

You ask a question that many of my clients ask: how to meet a healthy person to have a successful committed relationship. “Healthy” and “successful” are the key words here.

There was a time in American history where a female getting married was priority. As you may recall, halfway through the 20^th Century there was a women’s revolution where women fought for equal rights. During that period many more women then normal opted to hold off on marriage in lieu of pursuing higher education and a career. The new priority for women seems to be education, career, and family.

Today roughly 42% of the population over the age of 18 are unmarried. Approximately 25% of that population are women who have never been married. Being single is such a phenomenon that a National Singles Week was declared back in the 1980’s and is observed for a full week in September.

Two other fun facts about being single: AARP reports that middle-aged women prefer to date younger men. And it has statistically been proven that being in a relationship is healthier than being single.

So, another question is where do you meet Mr. Right? Internet? Internet dating services are a growing business. Since 2002 dating services have been popping up on the internet, employing over 5,000 people and generating a half billion dollars in revenue. It is estimated by Online Dating Magazine that 20 million people visit at least one site per month, and, approximately 120,000 marriages occurred as a result on online dating.

Recently, though, there have seen examples of criminal activity with predators utilizing dating sites to lure victims. Extreme caution needs to be taken whenever you share personal information--particularly your contact information.

In my private practice I have many women looking for Mr. Right; and many men looking for Mrs. Right. I asked the women where they go to meet someone; it seems they depend on their friends introducing them to someone. Amusingly, the men shared with me that the best “pick-up” place was the grocery store. Go figure.

For all of my clients that are looking, I suggest the following exercise: First, think of all the relationships you have been in; what were the things you didn’t like about being in those relationships: not committed, he snored, too into many sports—list whatever wasn’t working for you.

Then, make a list of the characteristics you really want in your significant other. Use the list of things you know didn’t work for you and ask for the opposite: Wants to be married; quiet sleeper; balanced sports activities. Then add those ideal things you want, such as: Healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually; financial stable; plays music, etc. Remember, you are creating this person, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

Finally, share your list with five people you can trust to hold you accountable for picking the right Mr. Right. Agree on a percentage of characteristics that you will settle for—hopefully not less then 90 percent.

Yes, Val, this list would be really good for you. It is when we are the most vulnerable that we allow just anyone into our life; these relationships result in Mr. Wrong using valuable months, or years of our precious time. Having a list is worth the time spent doing it, and the limited chances of emotional pain by being accountable by someone that cares about our well being.

I wish you well on your journey to love.

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Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.