LIFE AFTER ADDICTION: CALL HOME

Dear MAx,

I am 42 years old. Approximately thirty years ago I decided to designate myself as the “outcast” of my wonderful family. Being the outcast gave me permission to pursue my alcohol and drug use, thus, bringing me where I am today—a cocaine addict desperately deciding to live a healthier life. In addition to my mother being alive, I have two brothers and two sisters who all now have families of their own. These are all people I have used to get what I wanted in order to support my addiction. They have always been there to rescue me. As a matter of fact, they literally almost loved me to death providing treatment whenever I tried to get back into the fold. I recently had a spiritual event opening my eyes to the fact that I want to desperately live and be part of my family in a role other then outcast. How do I even begin to make honest contact with these people who, in reality, I barely know, but at a spiritual level really need?

Robert

Dear Robert,

I think the major key words in your letter are “honest contact”. Based on my years as an addiction counselor, I would like to take same liberties here with your short story, maybe filling in the blanks for our readers.

Families who want their addict to “be well” look to treatment programs to “fix” their loved ones, and would usually like the “fix” completed after 28 days of treatment.  I have met addicts that have been in multi programs all over the country -paid each time by their family in hopes that “this time it will take”. There are a lot of problems with this kind loving gesture.

First, as you have recently learned, an addict has got to want to live in order to start healing. I remember one addict sharing with me that after twenty years of using, one day he found himself sitting in his lonely apartment, a shotgun perched ready to take his life. He shared that as he looked down that barrel knowing what was about to happen, he decided he “wanted to live for the first time in his life”. He said that after all the years of slowly killing himself with heroine, life finally meant something TO HIM. He hasn’t used since that day over twenty-five years ago.

Secondly, families that have never experienced addiction usually lack the knowledge they need to really understand the complexity of the problem. Most families that I talk with believe that once their loved one completes treatment, he, or she, would just need to “work their program” in order to be well. Since most treatment programs are based on the twelve step programs, the predominant thoughts taken away with treatment is that working a twelve step program is going to prevent relapse. WRONG! The twelve step programs have been available free to offer support for people seeking relief from their addiction.  However, as the counseling community learns more and more about addiction, more has been revealed that addicts need ongoing professional addiction counseling to help address core issues, possible mental illnesses, and physiological problems related to their addictions. 

Finally, recovery is not only stopping the drug of choice, it is changing the behaviors that have accumulated over years and/or decades of using.  Robert, when you “designated (yourself) as the family outcast”, you stepped out of your birth family culture, into a culture of addiction. Wikipedia provides a simple definition of “culture”: A group of people who have a commonality or shared values in attitudes, customs, beliefs, ethics, and value systems; alcohol and drug cultures meet this definition. Before fully committing to a healthier lifestyle, reintegration of a healthier culture is needed.

Having explained the components of healing through recovery, I would suggest that you evaluate where you are, Robert, in connection with speaking your truth from your heart, not from a step that you need to complete. If you are ready to “make amends” because you know it is from your heart, and, needed for your continued spiritual growth, then the answer of how to connect to your family is to pick up the phone and call. Be sure you have healthy intent, strong boundaries, and patience getting to know each other again.

Be well on your journey.

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Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.