FEELINGS OF ANGER

Dear MAx,

My husband is pretty easy going except when he is sleeping. Throughout the night he shouts, curses, and says things that are sometimes pretty scary. This is so different from the loving mild mannered man he is throughout the day. We never argue, he is patient with our son, and he seldom even talks bad about anyone. What is with this behavior?

Kathy

Dear Kathy,

Sounds like your husband may be having problems expressing immediate feelings of anger that ends up manifesting while he is sleeping. Anger is an interesting emotion.

Interestingly, the type of anger your husband is expressing in his sleep is common in folks with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) who don’t feel they can share their anger with anyone. 

Ruling out any PTSD event in your husband’s life, let’s look at other factors that might contribute to this type of outburst in his sleep.

Often time children are taught that it isn’t alright to express anger.  The way you do, or do not, deal with anger is determined by a culmination of family norms, cultural beliefs, your personal experiences, religious and societal messages. Some of those messages include: “It is better to keep your feelings to yourself”; “Crying diminishes manhood”; “If you have negative feelings it means that you are a bad person.”

Unfortunately, whenever you begin the process of closing the door on any of your feelings, you are also closing the door on other positive feelings like joy and happiness. This eventually leads to an “I don’t care” attitude, depression, and illness. I think it is important to recognize that ‘anger’ is a valid feeling, it is how you express that feeling that determines whether or not you get into trouble with yourself or with someone else.

When you deny or ignore anger, this anger, like any feeling, will eventually sneak back when you least expect it—like in your sleep. The unexpressed anger provides fuel for unpleasant dreams, irritating daytime thoughts, problem behaviors, displaced emotions, as well as physical discomfort.

Life goes smoother, you feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually better when you can learn to accept your anger and look for a straightforward way of expressing it. For instance, if you are angry, say “I am angry.” I know, this sounds simplistic, but, if you are not in the habit of expressing your feelings, it will take practice to master the art of honest/straightforward expression “under fire”.

Here are some suggestions to achieve the freedom to feel any feeling, even anger:

(1) Give yourself permission to feel every feeling—avoid judging or moralizing your feelings or yourself for having them.

(2) Avoid confusing feelings with behavior—you can choose how you behave over your feelings; find productive ways to behave with your feelings like talking, exercising, painting, journaling.

(3) Take full responsibility for your feelings—if others “make you feel”, you give them the power to control you, you create your feelings, don’t blame others. And,

(4) appropriately share your feelings with somebody—feelings that go unshared don’t go away by themselves, these feelings build up, they haunt and they can lead to depression or bleep-type satire while sleeping.

Try taking walks with your husband; encourage him to talk by asking non invasive questions; and, be ready to listen without comment or judgment.

It is all part of life’s journey together.

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