DIVORCING AN ADDICT

Dear MAx,

Today, after 34 years of marriage, I am single! I am happy and relieved, but, mostly angry and sad. My husband was a prescription pill and pot addict that has been out of control for years; a lot of our income was spent on “treatment”. He purposely turned down jobs that paid well and had inappropriate relationships with other women. Yet, the court felt I needed to pay him spousal support for the next six years because “he is disabled” from his addictive behavior. Our two sons, both married, feel split between us. Most of all, I am angry and hurt because there is barely any contact from his family anymore. They were my family for 34 years. They encouraged me to “get rid of him”, but, now allow him to live rent free in their home. My intention was not to divorce my in-laws—only him. How does healing ever start to happen with a situation like this?

Amanda 

Dear Amanda,

I thank you for sharing your story in great detail with me. I wish I had room to print the entire story because this is such a vivid example of how addiction spirals the entire family out of control.

Perhaps my readers can relate to this example based on the old iconic TV program “Ozzie and Harriet”: picture Ozzie becoming a drug addict as the boys, David and Ricky, are beginning their lives as adults. “Say it isn’t true!”

Amanda, as you are going through the grief and loss process of the divorce, and all the losses connected to the divorce, please keep in mind that your active addict ex-husband does not feel the same way you do. Addiction, as you found out in court, is a very self-centered behavior.

In court, he wasn’t thinking of you, his sons, or the future. It was the cry of every active addict “I want it when I want it, and I want it NOW!” Don’t be surprised if he shows up at your house with a new car to pick his things up. Or, decides to now find ways to bond closer with his sons.

Divorce under the best circumstance is stressful. Now that you are officially divorced, you need to find a way to move on—particularly from the abusive court experience you had.

As you are dealing with the feelings of who you are post-divorce, you can integrate your love for your in-laws by specifically focusing some of your healing time on them:

-COMMUNICATE: The most important aspect of healing any kind of relationship is open and honest communication. Everyone needs to get their feelings on the table.

-REACH OUT: Yes, you may have to be the one to contact in-law members first. It was their son, brother, etc, that hurt you, and destroyed your family—what can they ever say to make it better? Write a letter, send a card, call, set up a private meeting. Invite them in.

-INCLUDE THEM IN YOUR NEW CHAPTER: You will have to think about how they will fit into your new life, and, than, you will have to clearly communicate that plan with them. Remember, these are still your sons’ relatives.

It is important that each day you wake up and be fully present in your world. Give yourself time to detox from your own 34 year addiction—him.

Use your gained wisdom as you begin this new phase of your journey. It can be anything YOU want it to be.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.