MONEY vs PASSION

Dear MAx,

I am choosing to demote myself at work to have more time to volunteer in a field about which I am passionate. While it does mean less money coming in, I have been elated to serve my community in this manner.  I am so happy but when I explain to well-meaning friends and family members what I am doing they think that it is not a wise choice in this economy.  How can I best explain to people that I am choosing to live my dreams (even if it doesn't pay right now - what my job did)?

Annie

Dear Annie,

I would have to disagree that you have “demoted” yourself at work to have more time to follow your passion. I would say that you have actually “promoted” yourself. And, good for you!!

Living in a capitalistic society is like owning a double edge sword: on one side, we live with pride and enthusiasm knowing that we have the “right” to build wealth—which, has become known as “the American Dream”.  We want to have the big house, three cars, huge TV, fashionable clothes, travel, and spend, spend, spend. The unfortunate consequence of this model is that we create a society that confuses net worth for self worth.

On the other side of the sword according to Ayn Rand, “it allows people to be free to act in their rational self-interest.” Like you, Annie, following your passion in lieu of economic benefits. Or the many entrepreneurs presently holding our economy up with their passion for business.

Ironically, the highest achievers in their field are driven and motivated because of their passion not the profit to be gained. People like Bill and Melinda Gates and the Rockefeller families have become models of the new American Dream: building wealth then passionately distributing it around the world for the good of all.

I think all of the people mentioned above would agree with financial guru, Suze Orman, “When you understand that your self-worth is not determined by your net-worth, then you’ll have financial freedom.”

Volunteering is an altruistic activity that promotes a better quality of life for others. Volunteering is done when one person steps out of their daily routine and follows their passion to do what they truly love.

In any one year in the US, approximately 30 percent of our population, 16 years and over, offer their services without pay to improve their communities, help individuals that are down, or to answer a national disaster. These individuals contribute countless hours, and, they always seem to be there whenever they are needed.

Those close to you don’t always encourage following your passion through volunteering. There are family messages and belief systems that create a self-imposed work prison of “keep your nose to the grindstone” “work hard” “we need to keep up with the Joneses”. 

Stepping away from this type of early programming produces fear in those that shared these messages and belief with you. “Fear” of you being homeless, penniless, and viewed a failure by society.

My family is from hard working immigrant stock; a “work hard” group of people. I have a cousin who did everything right for herself and her family, which included two great sons, based on our immigrant beliefs and family messages. When the oldest son announced he was going to continue on with a masters program to be a writer, she went into that fear place. “How will he ever earn a living?” He sold his first book prior to completing graduate school. He is presently publishing his sixth book and has sold one of his books for a movie. HE followed his passion in spite of what his loving, well-meaning parents thought. HE followed his passion abandoning old family messages and beliefs.

To continue following your passion with joy and a sense of self-fulfillment you need to surround yourself with people that will support your belief that life is meant to be enjoyed.  Include in those close to you, those people that understand that life is a temporary assignment meant to be lived passionately. And, most of all, please include those people that believe that heroes don’t chase power and prosperity, they dance with life.

So, your question, Annie, “How can I best explain to people that I am choosing to live my dreams?”  Just know that passion driven people are purpose driven people; and, purpose driven people don’t need the approval of others. Stay in your awareness and know that you have found what others are searching for: the pursuit of happiness.

Be well on your journey.

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

FEAR OF SUCCESS: SELF SABOTAGE

Dear MAx,

What is "fear of success?" How does it show up in our lives and how do we self-sabotage?

Olga

Dear Olga,

Straight forward questions about two issues that plague many people: fear of succeeding and self-sabotaging. 

Both fear of success and fear of failure can be paralyzing.  Both of these fears are similar. I believe the distinctive difference is that fear of failure pushes thinking to the extreme and may lead to distorting the actual situation or inflating it. This fear is often reinforced with negative thinking, like continually telling yourself that you are lazy.

Success is intimidating to some people because it tests their limits and makes them vulnerable to new situations and challenges. The fear of success is often characterized by moving forward with confidence right up to the finish line, then, a wall self doubt talk springs up to stop the progress. Like “Can I live up to this achievement”; or, “Do I have what it takes to sustain this success?”; or, “What does it matter anyhow?”

One of the biggest similarities between fear of success and fear of failure is that they both lead to change. I have talked a lot about change in previous columns. Human beings, in general, seem to struggle with change.

Change takes people out of their comfort zones. It usually takes an individual a long time to develop just the right comfort zone, so anything that is going to upset the way things are “always done” will bring up “fears”. Fears like “What will I do when I don’t have this to do anymore?” “When I’m finished someone will take it away, or find a way to do it better.”

Yet, one of the only things that we can be sure of is that change is inevitable. Whether you succeed or fail, change will happen. Why not strive for success?

These are cause and effect issues. The “cause” being the fear of success, and, the “effect” being the self-sabotage.  I often see these issues in my addiction clients that struggle with their recovery programs. Hence, a great way to self-sabotage is to escape the reality of the success using drugs and/or alcohol. But, it also manifests in other ways.

“Self-sabotage” is the vehicle that we consciously, or subconsciously, use to thwart our efforts for success. In addition to abusing alcohol and/or drugs, and negative self-talk, self-sabotage manifests in other forms. Such as: procrastination (usually the self-sabotage behavior of choice), “metaphorically partying”(staying out late, drinking too much coffee late at night, cleaning the house into the early morning hours) the night before a big presentation, exam, or job interview, or, to be all talk but no action.

The fear of success holds the best of the best back. Imagine how many great unfinished manuscripts are hiding in desks; or, that last highest mountain that will not be climbed because of the fear of success. The most difficult challenge is to walk through the wall of negative thoughts like:

*I don’t deserve this.

*I worked so hard to get here, I’m not sure the work is worth it.

*People won’t like me if I achieve my goal

*It is a challenge to be at the top.

*I am afraid that once I have it I will lose it.

So, there you are, almost completing a project that is going to lunge you forward in your life, perceiving changes in your lifestyle, your friendships, your future goals. How do you get yourself over that “Finish Line of Success” without stumbling into self-sabotage?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Stay in the NOW. Old negative messages from the past and “what ifs” for the future aren’t going to get you over that finish line. STAY FOCUSED.
2. Be accountable: Surround yourself with people that will give you honest feedback, help you have a reality check, KEEP YOU FOCUSED.
3. Surround yourself with successful people. THIS IS YOUR FOCUS-SUCCESS!

Finally, as you approach the Finish Line of this success, set another goal for yourself; you might as well continue the momentum with a new project. Successful people recognize and welcome the chance to proudly achieve their visions knowing that they are worthy and deserving of the triumph.

Olga, thank you, again for submitting this topic. It certainly help me realign the direction I am moving. I am sure many of my readers can identify with both fear of success and self-sabotage.

Be well on your journey over the finish line of success.

_________________________________________________________________

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

LIFE AFTER ADDICTION: CALL HOME

Dear MAx,

I am 42 years old. Approximately thirty years ago I decided to designate myself as the “outcast” of my wonderful family. Being the outcast gave me permission to pursue my alcohol and drug use, thus, bringing me where I am today—a cocaine addict desperately deciding to live a healthier life. In addition to my mother being alive, I have two brothers and two sisters who all now have families of their own. These are all people I have used to get what I wanted in order to support my addiction. They have always been there to rescue me. As a matter of fact, they literally almost loved me to death providing treatment whenever I tried to get back into the fold. I recently had a spiritual event opening my eyes to the fact that I want to desperately live and be part of my family in a role other then outcast. How do I even begin to make honest contact with these people who, in reality, I barely know, but at a spiritual level really need?

Robert

Dear Robert,

I think the major key words in your letter are “honest contact”. Based on my years as an addiction counselor, I would like to take same liberties here with your short story, maybe filling in the blanks for our readers.

Families who want their addict to “be well” look to treatment programs to “fix” their loved ones, and would usually like the “fix” completed after 28 days of treatment.  I have met addicts that have been in multi programs all over the country -paid each time by their family in hopes that “this time it will take”. There are a lot of problems with this kind loving gesture.

First, as you have recently learned, an addict has got to want to live in order to start healing. I remember one addict sharing with me that after twenty years of using, one day he found himself sitting in his lonely apartment, a shotgun perched ready to take his life. He shared that as he looked down that barrel knowing what was about to happen, he decided he “wanted to live for the first time in his life”. He said that after all the years of slowly killing himself with heroine, life finally meant something TO HIM. He hasn’t used since that day over twenty-five years ago.

Secondly, families that have never experienced addiction usually lack the knowledge they need to really understand the complexity of the problem. Most families that I talk with believe that once their loved one completes treatment, he, or she, would just need to “work their program” in order to be well. Since most treatment programs are based on the twelve step programs, the predominant thoughts taken away with treatment is that working a twelve step program is going to prevent relapse. WRONG! The twelve step programs have been available free to offer support for people seeking relief from their addiction.  However, as the counseling community learns more and more about addiction, more has been revealed that addicts need ongoing professional addiction counseling to help address core issues, possible mental illnesses, and physiological problems related to their addictions. 

Finally, recovery is not only stopping the drug of choice, it is changing the behaviors that have accumulated over years and/or decades of using.  Robert, when you “designated (yourself) as the family outcast”, you stepped out of your birth family culture, into a culture of addiction. Wikipedia provides a simple definition of “culture”: A group of people who have a commonality or shared values in attitudes, customs, beliefs, ethics, and value systems; alcohol and drug cultures meet this definition. Before fully committing to a healthier lifestyle, reintegration of a healthier culture is needed.

Having explained the components of healing through recovery, I would suggest that you evaluate where you are, Robert, in connection with speaking your truth from your heart, not from a step that you need to complete. If you are ready to “make amends” because you know it is from your heart, and, needed for your continued spiritual growth, then the answer of how to connect to your family is to pick up the phone and call. Be sure you have healthy intent, strong boundaries, and patience getting to know each other again.

Be well on your journey.

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

HOMELESS WOMEN

Dear MAx,

I recently went to surprise my favorite aunt for her birthday. When I arrived at the address she had “just moved” to, the place was vacant. I called her on her cell phone and we agreed to meet at a local restaurant. As I parked next to her car I noticed that it was full of her belongings including a pillow and blankets on the passenger seat. During lunch my aunt confessed to me that she is homeless! My aunt just turned 58 years old, her husband died two years ago leaving huge medical bills that forced her into bankruptcy. She is employed part-time earning a meager salary and it has been difficult for her to find full time employment. Even though she makes enough to pay rent, she cannot qualify for apartments because of her credit and all the fees that must be paid to get into housing. In her town there is no assistance for women in her age and circumstances through public housing. Of course, I took my aunt home with me. But, what if she didn’t have me? What do women do when faced with this scenario?

Connie

Dear Connie,

Thank you so much for your letter that brings attention to a growing problem in the US: homeless single/widowed women.

Although there are millions of homeless men in the US, their plight, unfortunately, has almost become the “norm” for aging, addicted, unemployed, and/or mentally ill men. The guy holding a sign on the corner is no longer considered a “panhandler”, he is considered “working (at) that corner”. Women and even families are rapidly replacing that homeless “guy” on the corner.

Usually the reasons contributing to homelessness includes addiction, domestic abuse, unemployment, abandonment, and natural disasters. But a new population of homelessness is growing: single/widowed women with little to no residual savings, minimal paying jobs, and poor credit ratings due to unexpected life circumstances. It is estimated that the number of homeless women in the US increased from 14% in the late 1990’s to 26% last year.

Aging women racing toward their retirement years are becoming part of an invisible population of people living in their cars, under bridges, or in un-noticed tents. They come from middle class lifestyles. These women usually do not utilize shelters because of, not only safety concerns, but also “image” concerns. What if my family/friends find out I am homeless?

There are organizations that are attempting to address the housing situation but contributions have fallen off greatly since the economic turn of events. Public funding has been drastically cut since the late ‘90s offering little to no reimbursements to cities for subsidizing low-income housing.  Because of the readjustment within the real estate market, private owners are reluctant to participate in providing low-income housing.

Consider this: the baby-boomers, born 1946 to 1964, are the largest population in the world. Within the baby-boomer demographic, there are more women then men. Women usually outlive their spouses. Women are paid less then men. Women are under insured. Many women over 55 years old fall into that category just-one-paycheck-away from loosing their homes. As the baby-boomer women age, they risk joining that invisible homeless group.

Connie, I am so proud of you for inviting your aunt into your home and that you are willing to support her. I also thank you, again, for bringing to light the plight of women at the “certain age” between homelessness and retirement.

Contacting the National Coalition for the Homeless for more information and statistics. YOU can stand up and make a difference by getting involved.

Be well on your journey.

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

MIDLIFE DATING: FINDING "MR.(S) RIGHT"

Dear Max,

I am 43 years old, well educated, established in my career, and single. “Single” is what I want to change. The challenge seems to be meeting Mr. Right. I have been out of the dating scene for so long I don’t know where to begin. My friends are trying to get me to meet someone online. Is that safe? Is that how it is done these days? Just doesn’t feel right to me. I want to make the right choice. Where do I begin?

Val

Dear Val,

You ask a question that many of my clients ask: how to meet a healthy person to have a successful committed relationship. “Healthy” and “successful” are the key words here.

There was a time in American history where a female getting married was priority. As you may recall, halfway through the 20^th Century there was a women’s revolution where women fought for equal rights. During that period many more women then normal opted to hold off on marriage in lieu of pursuing higher education and a career. The new priority for women seems to be education, career, and family.

Today roughly 42% of the population over the age of 18 are unmarried. Approximately 25% of that population are women who have never been married. Being single is such a phenomenon that a National Singles Week was declared back in the 1980’s and is observed for a full week in September.

Two other fun facts about being single: AARP reports that middle-aged women prefer to date younger men. And it has statistically been proven that being in a relationship is healthier than being single.

So, another question is where do you meet Mr. Right? Internet? Internet dating services are a growing business. Since 2002 dating services have been popping up on the internet, employing over 5,000 people and generating a half billion dollars in revenue. It is estimated by Online Dating Magazine that 20 million people visit at least one site per month, and, approximately 120,000 marriages occurred as a result on online dating.

Recently, though, there have seen examples of criminal activity with predators utilizing dating sites to lure victims. Extreme caution needs to be taken whenever you share personal information--particularly your contact information.

In my private practice I have many women looking for Mr. Right; and many men looking for Mrs. Right. I asked the women where they go to meet someone; it seems they depend on their friends introducing them to someone. Amusingly, the men shared with me that the best “pick-up” place was the grocery store. Go figure.

For all of my clients that are looking, I suggest the following exercise: First, think of all the relationships you have been in; what were the things you didn’t like about being in those relationships: not committed, he snored, too into many sports—list whatever wasn’t working for you.

Then, make a list of the characteristics you really want in your significant other. Use the list of things you know didn’t work for you and ask for the opposite: Wants to be married; quiet sleeper; balanced sports activities. Then add those ideal things you want, such as: Healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually; financial stable; plays music, etc. Remember, you are creating this person, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

Finally, share your list with five people you can trust to hold you accountable for picking the right Mr. Right. Agree on a percentage of characteristics that you will settle for—hopefully not less then 90 percent.

Yes, Val, this list would be really good for you. It is when we are the most vulnerable that we allow just anyone into our life; these relationships result in Mr. Wrong using valuable months, or years of our precious time. Having a list is worth the time spent doing it, and the limited chances of emotional pain by being accountable by someone that cares about our well being.

I wish you well on your journey to love.

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscription for the Springfield Times is only $28/year mailed to your home! Order on line at http://www.springfieldtimes.net.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.