Dear MAx,
I am the parent of an adult child in recovery from an addiction. We are living together and sometimes this person slips and reverts back to the old addiction patterns. The pattern is very slowly going and I can see the progress that has been made so far. My question is this: What boundaries does one set when the "other" addicted person is present versus the healthy "present" person. I am struggling with this because I know that my adult child wants to be healthy, complete and whole. Since I do not have health insurance and am living on social security, I feel that my resources are financially limited. My adult child is not working at this time and I feel the pressure of being the sole supporter. What can I do and what can my adult child do to help ourselves and each other?
Betty
Dear Betty,
I can see that you are caught up in a couple of dilemmas. I want to start by giving you kudos for the love and patience you are showing your “adult child”. Addiction and the economy have never complimented each other. Your adult child is fortunate for having you in their life. Obviously, you have not bought into the “tough love” philosophy. Good for you!
The “tough love” philosophy has been around for decades. While this approach for addiction treatment has never proven to be effective, or safe, it is still being used in many treatment programs. As an addiction counselor, this approach has never been personally comfortable because, ethically, I am bound “to do no harm”. Cruelty and humiliation has never resonated with me to guide people into a healthier lifestyle.
Economically the cost for treating addiction is expensive. Residential treatment programs can range anywhere from $8500 to over $50,000 for a 24-45 day program. Many of these programs are eliminating their after care support groups to save money. If you don’t have insurance that will cover the treatment, most likely, there isn’t very much State or Federal funding available to help. Some private practices will offer pro bono slots.
Even with insurance, however, caps are placed on how much the insurance company will pay out for addiction treatment, limits are placed on the type of treatment the company will allow, and, most sadly, “preventative” treatment is seldom covered. Insurance companies seem to be holding on to the idea that addicts can be “fixed” in a short period of time.
Here are some suggestions for people that are trying to support someone’s recovery with limited funding available:
EDUCATE YOURSELF: Attend 12 Step meetings to listen to what other addicts and family members are saying about their addiction, and how they achieved, or helped to achieve, a successful recovery. Attend lectures, workshops, and seminars to learn about treatment approaches. These events are often not always limited to professionals, and, sometimes offer scholarships or work credit.
SET BOUNDARIES: Lovingly, from your heart, let your loved one know what you are willing to tolerate, consequences of breaking agreements, and set limits on your money, time, and personal space.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Be sure to take time to be healthy yourself with exercise, nutrition, friendships, socializing, etc. Your addict needs examples of how to be healthy—living with you makes can provide a number one example. If you and your environment are not healthy, how can you expect your addict to change?
Betty, again, please let me acknowledge your love for your adult child. Love and patience are two of the ingredients necessary for an addict healing; now, add a cupful of knowledge, two cups of setting boundaries, a bundle of patient time, and a whole healthy you, and WHOOLA! you may just have a healthier adult child.
Be well.
_________________________________________________________________________
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
PRESCRIPTION DRUG ABUSE
Dear MAx,
My husband says that he has been in recovery from prescription drugs for almost two years. It is still really difficult for me to trust that he isn’t using, or planning on using. Whenever we go to visit family or friends I worry about whether he is going through their medicine cabinets. When he goes to see the doctor I worry that he is trying to get drugs. When he is on the computer I worry about him ordering drugs from online. Because of his addiction we almost lost everything that we have worked for, and I have seen little remorse from him that he is even aware how he has endangered the welfare of our family. I am getting exhausted watching and wondering about if he is using again. How can I be sure he isn’t using?
Phyllis
Dear Phyllis,
Thank you for bringing the growing problem of prescription drug abuse to the attention of my readers. As you have experienced, this addiction is insidious, negatively impacting the welfare of the family. Prescription drugs, particularly pain medications, have become the second most prevalent illegal drug problem. This unfortunate epidemic spreads across generations from teens to aging baby boomers.
Once an addict stops using and enters ‘recovery’, the family lets out a sigh of relief and immediately wants things to go back to ‘normal’. It is important for family members to be able to balance between denial and awareness. The denial is when loved ones want to pretend that the drug abuse never happened and “just put it behind us”. Drug abuse is a vicious cycle that can cause changes in the brain with the possibility of the addict developing stronger impulses to use. Family members need to educate themselves on the signs, symptoms, and effects of abusing prescription drugs. The National Institute on Drug Abuse website offers this information. You know your husband as well as anyone so you can probably detect differences in his behavior and moods when you know what to look for.
Recovery for drug addiction is an ongoing process involving behavioral and, sometimes, pharmacological treatment. While there are medications available to help addicts overcome withdrawal symptoms and drug cravings, people learn to function without abusing substances with behavioral treatments. Please keep in mind that many addicts in recovery may experience depressed moods for as long as a year or more.
It is important that you are taking care of yourself during your husband’s recovery. Focusing your attention and energy on whether or not your husband is using again, may distract you from what is important in your life. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Educating yourself with the information provided above, attending support groups to hear how other loved ones are dealing with the problem, and seeking both individual and couples counseling may help you better understand the problem of prescription addiction.
How can you be sure he isn’t using, Phyllis? Short of having him take a drug test whenever you suspect he is using, you may never be sure. Working on building a foundation of mutual trust and honesty may work better to return your family to your normal.
__________________________________________________________________________o
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nestor, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
My husband says that he has been in recovery from prescription drugs for almost two years. It is still really difficult for me to trust that he isn’t using, or planning on using. Whenever we go to visit family or friends I worry about whether he is going through their medicine cabinets. When he goes to see the doctor I worry that he is trying to get drugs. When he is on the computer I worry about him ordering drugs from online. Because of his addiction we almost lost everything that we have worked for, and I have seen little remorse from him that he is even aware how he has endangered the welfare of our family. I am getting exhausted watching and wondering about if he is using again. How can I be sure he isn’t using?
Phyllis
Dear Phyllis,
Thank you for bringing the growing problem of prescription drug abuse to the attention of my readers. As you have experienced, this addiction is insidious, negatively impacting the welfare of the family. Prescription drugs, particularly pain medications, have become the second most prevalent illegal drug problem. This unfortunate epidemic spreads across generations from teens to aging baby boomers.
Once an addict stops using and enters ‘recovery’, the family lets out a sigh of relief and immediately wants things to go back to ‘normal’. It is important for family members to be able to balance between denial and awareness. The denial is when loved ones want to pretend that the drug abuse never happened and “just put it behind us”. Drug abuse is a vicious cycle that can cause changes in the brain with the possibility of the addict developing stronger impulses to use. Family members need to educate themselves on the signs, symptoms, and effects of abusing prescription drugs. The National Institute on Drug Abuse website offers this information. You know your husband as well as anyone so you can probably detect differences in his behavior and moods when you know what to look for.
Recovery for drug addiction is an ongoing process involving behavioral and, sometimes, pharmacological treatment. While there are medications available to help addicts overcome withdrawal symptoms and drug cravings, people learn to function without abusing substances with behavioral treatments. Please keep in mind that many addicts in recovery may experience depressed moods for as long as a year or more.
It is important that you are taking care of yourself during your husband’s recovery. Focusing your attention and energy on whether or not your husband is using again, may distract you from what is important in your life. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Educating yourself with the information provided above, attending support groups to hear how other loved ones are dealing with the problem, and seeking both individual and couples counseling may help you better understand the problem of prescription addiction.
How can you be sure he isn’t using, Phyllis? Short of having him take a drug test whenever you suspect he is using, you may never be sure. Working on building a foundation of mutual trust and honesty may work better to return your family to your normal.
__________________________________________________________________________o
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nestor, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Monday, October 3, 2011
SEASONS FOR ADDICTIONS
SPLAN FOR SEASON OF ADDICTIONS
Dear MAx
My partner stopped using alcohol and drugs last February. Things seemed to have been going pretty good until right around the beginning of November. What I am noticing now is that he is moody, snapping at people, and acting ‘squirrelly’. I don’t think he is using again. He sees an addiction counselor on a regular basis so I don’t feel it is my job to hold him accountable since he trusts his counselor. I have been reading a lot of books on addiction, have been talking to other people about it, and even attended an Alanon meeting. What information am I missing?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Holidays are difficult for people in recovery. We live in a society that includes intoxicants in all its celebrations. The early stage of recovery is difficult because of the detox process happening in the body. Throw in the holiday season with learned behaviors of celebration and, there you are, Sam, a ‘squirrelly’ partner. Let me share this bit of information offered by Sue Hosington, Director of Mental Health of the Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota:
RECOVERING PEOPLE NEED TO MANAGE HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS
The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us. It is so easy to get caught up in the spirit of the season, while feeling let down by unmet expectations. The holidays can be especially challenging for individuals recovering from chemical dependency. Maintaining sobriety can be difficult when memories, increased family contacts, and the emotional highs and lows of the season present us with unexpected issues.
Recovering people frequently have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, which simply adds to the stress of the time. Another source of potential relapse stems from feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression. Worry is a common expression of anxiety, and loneliness is a common expression of depression. These two emotions are especially heightened during the holidays.
It’s good to develop a holiday plan, one that will help confront memories, which threaten the quality of your holiday experience. Your plan will benefit from improved self-care, enhanced support from others, and healthy ways to celebrate. Some suggestions follow:
GOOD SELF-CARE is vital. Remember to slow down. Take some quiet time each day to reflect on an attitude of gratitude. Plan relaxation and meditation into your day, even for a few minutes, no matter how you are. Relax your standards, reduce overwhelming demands, and delegate responsibilities. And remember to laugh during your day.
EAT, HYDRATE, EXERCISE and REST. Go easy on the holiday sweets and follow a balanced diet. Monitor your intake of caffeine, nicotine, and sugar. Exercise regularly to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don’t try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor that can make us more vulnerable to relapse. Try and maintain some kind of schedule. Plan ahead—don’t wait until the last minute to purchase gifts or prepare to entertain.
ENHANCE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. Our culture presents the holidays as a time of joy, but this is not always so. Holidays can trigger many painful memories. They are a good time to reach out more frequently to your counselor, sponsor, and Twelve-Step group. Spend time with recovering people and activities. Let other help you realize your personal limits. Learn to say “no” in a way that is comfortable for you.
FIND NEW WAYS TO CELEBRATE. Create some new symbols and rituals that will help redefine a joyful and rewarding holiday season. You might host your own holiday gathering for special recovering friends and/or attend celebrations of your Alcohol Anonymous group to celebrate and not with people who are substance users. Don’t expose yourself to unnecessary temptations, such as gatherings where alcohol is the center of entertainment. If there are people who have a negative influence on you, make a choice to not be with them—or to limit time spent with them.
I hope that this information is not only useful for you, but for all people experiencing recovery in their life.
______________________________________________________________________
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Dear MAx
My partner stopped using alcohol and drugs last February. Things seemed to have been going pretty good until right around the beginning of November. What I am noticing now is that he is moody, snapping at people, and acting ‘squirrelly’. I don’t think he is using again. He sees an addiction counselor on a regular basis so I don’t feel it is my job to hold him accountable since he trusts his counselor. I have been reading a lot of books on addiction, have been talking to other people about it, and even attended an Alanon meeting. What information am I missing?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Holidays are difficult for people in recovery. We live in a society that includes intoxicants in all its celebrations. The early stage of recovery is difficult because of the detox process happening in the body. Throw in the holiday season with learned behaviors of celebration and, there you are, Sam, a ‘squirrelly’ partner. Let me share this bit of information offered by Sue Hosington, Director of Mental Health of the Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota:
RECOVERING PEOPLE NEED TO MANAGE HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS
The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us. It is so easy to get caught up in the spirit of the season, while feeling let down by unmet expectations. The holidays can be especially challenging for individuals recovering from chemical dependency. Maintaining sobriety can be difficult when memories, increased family contacts, and the emotional highs and lows of the season present us with unexpected issues.
Recovering people frequently have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, which simply adds to the stress of the time. Another source of potential relapse stems from feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression. Worry is a common expression of anxiety, and loneliness is a common expression of depression. These two emotions are especially heightened during the holidays.
It’s good to develop a holiday plan, one that will help confront memories, which threaten the quality of your holiday experience. Your plan will benefit from improved self-care, enhanced support from others, and healthy ways to celebrate. Some suggestions follow:
GOOD SELF-CARE is vital. Remember to slow down. Take some quiet time each day to reflect on an attitude of gratitude. Plan relaxation and meditation into your day, even for a few minutes, no matter how you are. Relax your standards, reduce overwhelming demands, and delegate responsibilities. And remember to laugh during your day.
EAT, HYDRATE, EXERCISE and REST. Go easy on the holiday sweets and follow a balanced diet. Monitor your intake of caffeine, nicotine, and sugar. Exercise regularly to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don’t try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor that can make us more vulnerable to relapse. Try and maintain some kind of schedule. Plan ahead—don’t wait until the last minute to purchase gifts or prepare to entertain.
ENHANCE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. Our culture presents the holidays as a time of joy, but this is not always so. Holidays can trigger many painful memories. They are a good time to reach out more frequently to your counselor, sponsor, and Twelve-Step group. Spend time with recovering people and activities. Let other help you realize your personal limits. Learn to say “no” in a way that is comfortable for you.
FIND NEW WAYS TO CELEBRATE. Create some new symbols and rituals that will help redefine a joyful and rewarding holiday season. You might host your own holiday gathering for special recovering friends and/or attend celebrations of your Alcohol Anonymous group to celebrate and not with people who are substance users. Don’t expose yourself to unnecessary temptations, such as gatherings where alcohol is the center of entertainment. If there are people who have a negative influence on you, make a choice to not be with them—or to limit time spent with them.
I hope that this information is not only useful for you, but for all people experiencing recovery in their life.
______________________________________________________________________
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
STILL EMPLOYED: SURVIVORS GUILT
Dear MAx,
Recently there was big layoff at the business I have worked at for five years. Many of the employees that were laid off had been here a lot longer then I have been here. I considered several of these people to be more then fellow employees, they were my friends. I love my job and I appreciate that I still have it and the income that comes with it. But, I am finding it harder to come into work and have a good attitude while I am here. How can I change these feelings of guilt?
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
Sounds like you are suffering as part of the ‘survivor guilt’ epidemic that is presently sweeping the globe. While millions of people have been losing their jobs, millions of other people are left behind to continue working. This malady can leave you with feelings of both relief and anger; it may leave you confused and, even disoriented.
Unemployment in the U.S. has hit double digits in many areas. In November, 2008, Michigan was taking the greatest hit due to the problems the auto industry was having. Other complications in the economy, including bank failures, have also contributed to industries closing, and people losing their jobs. This trickle down affect is felt in just about every business in the country, and many other places around the world.
Opinions are that we are in the worse economical shape since the great depression era. Politicians scurry to come up with a plan to readjust the direction the economy has been going for almost two years. Their efforts, no matter how accurate, will take time to implement and change the downtown in the economy. Meanwhile, people will continue to loose their jobs, and those left behind will be torn with guilt.
There is a progression to the guilt that manifests: feelings of relief that you get to stay; realization that with less people YOU get to do more work for the same, or less money; and, finally, feelings of not feeling appreciated.
Dealing with any loss is a process that involves denial, bargaining, anger, sadness/depression, and acceptance. It is said that experiencing the process of loss is like being in a graduate program of life. If you allow yourself to experiencing each phase of the loss cycle, you will come out of it a stronger person.
In my Moving On workshop, which includes an entire day of grief and loss work, I suggest to my participants that in their deepest despair of their loss they institute the airline oxygen rule: When the oxygen drops down during an emergency, it doesn’t matter who is sitting next to you, you put the oxygen on yourself first. You need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Bonnie, to help you get through the feelings of survivors guilt that you are having, be sure that you take care of yourself: talk about what you are feeling. Be sure to get rest, eat right, exercise, and drink a lot of water. Set good boundaries at work as far as taking on more then you can handle. When talking to your laid-off friends, listen and acknowledge their experience, but don’t take their problems on as your own.
During these difficult economic times we are like rocks in a tumbler that are tossed to and fro, and we are getting bruised. But, as in other recessions, we will end up coming out more polished and valuable than ever. Just hang in there and believe that there are better times coming!
____________________________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Recently there was big layoff at the business I have worked at for five years. Many of the employees that were laid off had been here a lot longer then I have been here. I considered several of these people to be more then fellow employees, they were my friends. I love my job and I appreciate that I still have it and the income that comes with it. But, I am finding it harder to come into work and have a good attitude while I am here. How can I change these feelings of guilt?
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
Sounds like you are suffering as part of the ‘survivor guilt’ epidemic that is presently sweeping the globe. While millions of people have been losing their jobs, millions of other people are left behind to continue working. This malady can leave you with feelings of both relief and anger; it may leave you confused and, even disoriented.
Unemployment in the U.S. has hit double digits in many areas. In November, 2008, Michigan was taking the greatest hit due to the problems the auto industry was having. Other complications in the economy, including bank failures, have also contributed to industries closing, and people losing their jobs. This trickle down affect is felt in just about every business in the country, and many other places around the world.
Opinions are that we are in the worse economical shape since the great depression era. Politicians scurry to come up with a plan to readjust the direction the economy has been going for almost two years. Their efforts, no matter how accurate, will take time to implement and change the downtown in the economy. Meanwhile, people will continue to loose their jobs, and those left behind will be torn with guilt.
There is a progression to the guilt that manifests: feelings of relief that you get to stay; realization that with less people YOU get to do more work for the same, or less money; and, finally, feelings of not feeling appreciated.
Dealing with any loss is a process that involves denial, bargaining, anger, sadness/depression, and acceptance. It is said that experiencing the process of loss is like being in a graduate program of life. If you allow yourself to experiencing each phase of the loss cycle, you will come out of it a stronger person.
In my Moving On workshop, which includes an entire day of grief and loss work, I suggest to my participants that in their deepest despair of their loss they institute the airline oxygen rule: When the oxygen drops down during an emergency, it doesn’t matter who is sitting next to you, you put the oxygen on yourself first. You need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Bonnie, to help you get through the feelings of survivors guilt that you are having, be sure that you take care of yourself: talk about what you are feeling. Be sure to get rest, eat right, exercise, and drink a lot of water. Set good boundaries at work as far as taking on more then you can handle. When talking to your laid-off friends, listen and acknowledge their experience, but don’t take their problems on as your own.
During these difficult economic times we are like rocks in a tumbler that are tossed to and fro, and we are getting bruised. But, as in other recessions, we will end up coming out more polished and valuable than ever. Just hang in there and believe that there are better times coming!
____________________________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
CLEAN & SOBER PRECURSOR BALANCED HEALTH: THERE'S MORE!
Dear MAx,
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. During most of our dating time and married life, he has abused alcohol, and, sometimes drugs. Thankfully, for the past three years he has not abused either. I was so relieved when he decided to stop using on his own. My concern is that his attitude and motivation about life hasn’t changed. I thought when he stopped using things would be better in our life. Where do we go from here?
Penny
Dear Penny,
Congratulations for hanging in with your marriage through the good times and bad times. I hope through this time you have been taking care of your “self”, because the work isn’t done yet.
Addiction isn’t just a matter of abusing substances. Addiction is about behavior that disrupts and impairs body function. It is a developed culture that is contrary to the normal societal rules. Addiction is an all-consuming unhealthy lifestyle.
Just because addicts stop using doesn’t mean that they are healthy—it only means that they are abstaining. The other two stages still need to be accomplished: recovery and healing. These stages allow the mind, body, and spirit to line up for balanced health.
By “healing” I am not in any way implying that an addict is going to be “cured” and can begin drinking again. “Healing,” means that a person reaches a level of health where they can make clear decisions based on reward and consequence.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, originally copyrighted in 1939, quotes Dr. William D. Silkworth, M.D. as saying “…the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind.” Dr. Silkworth had a theory that alcoholics had “an allergy to alcohol”. He also believed that “a man’s brain be cleared” in order to start the process of recovery.
The body “abnormal”? “An allergy”? “Brain cleared”? Dr. Silkworth appears to have been a visionary of things to come seventy years into his future. Today, because of new integrative disciplines, such as medicine, psychotherapies, neurobiology, exercise, and nutrition, we are learning just how multi-dimensional addiction is to a human being.
Just in the past decade we have gone beyond the genetic disposition theory and moved into the area of brain function and its effect on addiction. We have learned so much about the brain chemistry functions that may contribute to the ongoing addiction problem. My last column was on dopamine and how it plays an important part in addiction.
Recently I have had great success with integrating nutrition and exercise at the start of clients’ recovery processes. A healthy diet and exercise program designed specifically for an individual based on physical health, body type, and inherited characteristics, assist in bringing the client to optimal health. Diet and exercise are needed to keep the blood flowing to the brain, which in turn helps the individual think more clearly thereby making healthier decisions.
Once a person is thinking clearly, behavior change can start occurring. Because addiction has a culture of its own--buying, friendships, environments, language—working with a trained addiction counselor is necessary and beneficial. The counselor can help identify behaviors that may have become innate, and offer strategies to change those behaviors working toward a healthier lifestyle.
Finally, the healing stage comes from addressing the individual’s “spiritual”, whether religious, spiritual, agnostic, or atheist, and helping them reconnect with that part of themselves. Since this is the third stage we are assuming that the abstinence has been continued, and the mind and the body are now clearly working together to make healthier choices. The brain is cleared.
An “allergy”? I don’t have a definitive answer--yet. But, I know that science is working on it. And, I also know that if someone is thinking clearly they aren’t going to ingest something that is going to make them sick. I have witnessed if you ask a severe addict to drink a glass of bleach they will hesitate before saying “no”; ask someone that is in the healing process and they won’t hesitate saying “no!”
Penny, your work as a couple, and his personal work through recovery to the healing stage, is just starting. It sounds like it took him over 15 years to commit to a healthier lifestyle, have patience and trust the process. Check in your community for qualified addiction counselors to help guide both of you through this process. The important thing is that there is hope, and, there is help.
Be well on your journey.
______________________________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. During most of our dating time and married life, he has abused alcohol, and, sometimes drugs. Thankfully, for the past three years he has not abused either. I was so relieved when he decided to stop using on his own. My concern is that his attitude and motivation about life hasn’t changed. I thought when he stopped using things would be better in our life. Where do we go from here?
Penny
Dear Penny,
Congratulations for hanging in with your marriage through the good times and bad times. I hope through this time you have been taking care of your “self”, because the work isn’t done yet.
Addiction isn’t just a matter of abusing substances. Addiction is about behavior that disrupts and impairs body function. It is a developed culture that is contrary to the normal societal rules. Addiction is an all-consuming unhealthy lifestyle.
Just because addicts stop using doesn’t mean that they are healthy—it only means that they are abstaining. The other two stages still need to be accomplished: recovery and healing. These stages allow the mind, body, and spirit to line up for balanced health.
By “healing” I am not in any way implying that an addict is going to be “cured” and can begin drinking again. “Healing,” means that a person reaches a level of health where they can make clear decisions based on reward and consequence.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, originally copyrighted in 1939, quotes Dr. William D. Silkworth, M.D. as saying “…the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind.” Dr. Silkworth had a theory that alcoholics had “an allergy to alcohol”. He also believed that “a man’s brain be cleared” in order to start the process of recovery.
The body “abnormal”? “An allergy”? “Brain cleared”? Dr. Silkworth appears to have been a visionary of things to come seventy years into his future. Today, because of new integrative disciplines, such as medicine, psychotherapies, neurobiology, exercise, and nutrition, we are learning just how multi-dimensional addiction is to a human being.
Just in the past decade we have gone beyond the genetic disposition theory and moved into the area of brain function and its effect on addiction. We have learned so much about the brain chemistry functions that may contribute to the ongoing addiction problem. My last column was on dopamine and how it plays an important part in addiction.
Recently I have had great success with integrating nutrition and exercise at the start of clients’ recovery processes. A healthy diet and exercise program designed specifically for an individual based on physical health, body type, and inherited characteristics, assist in bringing the client to optimal health. Diet and exercise are needed to keep the blood flowing to the brain, which in turn helps the individual think more clearly thereby making healthier decisions.
Once a person is thinking clearly, behavior change can start occurring. Because addiction has a culture of its own--buying, friendships, environments, language—working with a trained addiction counselor is necessary and beneficial. The counselor can help identify behaviors that may have become innate, and offer strategies to change those behaviors working toward a healthier lifestyle.
Finally, the healing stage comes from addressing the individual’s “spiritual”, whether religious, spiritual, agnostic, or atheist, and helping them reconnect with that part of themselves. Since this is the third stage we are assuming that the abstinence has been continued, and the mind and the body are now clearly working together to make healthier choices. The brain is cleared.
An “allergy”? I don’t have a definitive answer--yet. But, I know that science is working on it. And, I also know that if someone is thinking clearly they aren’t going to ingest something that is going to make them sick. I have witnessed if you ask a severe addict to drink a glass of bleach they will hesitate before saying “no”; ask someone that is in the healing process and they won’t hesitate saying “no!”
Penny, your work as a couple, and his personal work through recovery to the healing stage, is just starting. It sounds like it took him over 15 years to commit to a healthier lifestyle, have patience and trust the process. Check in your community for qualified addiction counselors to help guide both of you through this process. The important thing is that there is hope, and, there is help.
Be well on your journey.
______________________________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
LIFE’S PRIORITIES
Dear MAx,
HELP! I am SO OVERWHLEMED with life! I am trying to balance all the responsibilities and things that people ask of me. My family, friends, employer, bill collectors, landlords! How do you get everything done in a day?!! The more I try, the more I don’t seem to get anything completed.
Janet
Dear Janet,
What a great timely question. “Overwhelmed” seems to be a theme with many people these days. Not only are people trying to deal with everyday life, this is the time of year that graduations, weddings, summer vacations, etc, compound everything else that is going on.
The problem with being overwhelmed for a period of time leads to stress which leads to depression, which leads to the breakdown of the body as well as the mind. Let’s look at some ways to deal with being so overwhelmed.
First things first: you need to examine how you are taking care of your self. Are you getting the sleep, exercise, diet, and self-time that you need to be healthy and to think clearly? If you aren’t thinking clearly, it will be a challenge to accept the rest of these suggestions.
In order to balance everything going on in your life, you first need to define what “balance” means to you. Which of these things are more important to you to address each day: work, family, play, self? I am hoping “self” is number one.
Once you have your priorities in order, under each one make a list of things you absolutely need to accomplish each day. For example, Family: get the kids off to school, grocery shopping, meals….Work: Eight hours at office….Self: Exercise, playtime. When you get this list completed you can get a good idea how much time you need to spend each day to address important things in your life.
Now you have to put systems into place to build structure that will get everything done. Here are a couple things to consider as you are building your systems and structures. First, eliminate clutter. Feng Shui your home and office to get rid of things you don’t need and to design a relaxing atmosphere for yourself. Curtail overspending, it is just a way of procrastinating on what you really need to be doing to stay within a stress-free structure. And, stop scheduling activities you don’t really want to do. Time-suckers keep us non-productive and overwhelmed.
I have found multi-tasking works for me because I have learned the art of being in the “now”. Whenever I am doing a task whether it is talking with someone or working on a piece of a project, my full attention is right there—not in the past of what I didn’t get done, nor in the future of what I have to do. Being in the now reduces stress and allows me to fully experience the moment.
Finally, Janet, remember that you are not alone. Exchange ideas with friends about how they balance their time. There are also professional organizers that can get you started on defining your balance, building systems, and reducing the clutter in your life.
It comes down to prioritizing, making lists, taking action, being in the now, letting go of the idea of being an over achiever, and accepting that you can only do so much in one day. There are only twenty-four hours in each day, and no matter how much we get done or don’t get done, our TR (Time Remaining) continues to tick down. What is really important for you to address today?
_____________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
HELP! I am SO OVERWHLEMED with life! I am trying to balance all the responsibilities and things that people ask of me. My family, friends, employer, bill collectors, landlords! How do you get everything done in a day?!! The more I try, the more I don’t seem to get anything completed.
Janet
Dear Janet,
What a great timely question. “Overwhelmed” seems to be a theme with many people these days. Not only are people trying to deal with everyday life, this is the time of year that graduations, weddings, summer vacations, etc, compound everything else that is going on.
The problem with being overwhelmed for a period of time leads to stress which leads to depression, which leads to the breakdown of the body as well as the mind. Let’s look at some ways to deal with being so overwhelmed.
First things first: you need to examine how you are taking care of your self. Are you getting the sleep, exercise, diet, and self-time that you need to be healthy and to think clearly? If you aren’t thinking clearly, it will be a challenge to accept the rest of these suggestions.
In order to balance everything going on in your life, you first need to define what “balance” means to you. Which of these things are more important to you to address each day: work, family, play, self? I am hoping “self” is number one.
Once you have your priorities in order, under each one make a list of things you absolutely need to accomplish each day. For example, Family: get the kids off to school, grocery shopping, meals….Work: Eight hours at office….Self: Exercise, playtime. When you get this list completed you can get a good idea how much time you need to spend each day to address important things in your life.
Now you have to put systems into place to build structure that will get everything done. Here are a couple things to consider as you are building your systems and structures. First, eliminate clutter. Feng Shui your home and office to get rid of things you don’t need and to design a relaxing atmosphere for yourself. Curtail overspending, it is just a way of procrastinating on what you really need to be doing to stay within a stress-free structure. And, stop scheduling activities you don’t really want to do. Time-suckers keep us non-productive and overwhelmed.
I have found multi-tasking works for me because I have learned the art of being in the “now”. Whenever I am doing a task whether it is talking with someone or working on a piece of a project, my full attention is right there—not in the past of what I didn’t get done, nor in the future of what I have to do. Being in the now reduces stress and allows me to fully experience the moment.
Finally, Janet, remember that you are not alone. Exchange ideas with friends about how they balance their time. There are also professional organizers that can get you started on defining your balance, building systems, and reducing the clutter in your life.
It comes down to prioritizing, making lists, taking action, being in the now, letting go of the idea of being an over achiever, and accepting that you can only do so much in one day. There are only twenty-four hours in each day, and no matter how much we get done or don’t get done, our TR (Time Remaining) continues to tick down. What is really important for you to address today?
_____________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Monday, July 18, 2011
BLACKOUTS: INDICATOR TO BACK OUT
Dear MAx,
My husband and I have only been married three years, I adore him and the little family we have started together. To the outside world we look like a happy couple with everything going for us—good jobs, nice home, great family and friends. The dark secret is that while my husband doesn’t drink all the time, when he does drink he goes into a paranoid-type violent blackout that totally disrupts our life. This last blackout ended with a knock down fight in a parking lot while I was trying to take the keys away from him. The police ended up arresting me instead of him because they “witnessed” me hitting him (in self-defense) and let him drive home! Eventually everything was weeded out, but at the cost of our marriage, our financial security, and probably psychological damage to our young son. He continues to deny that he has any kind of a drinking problem and says that he doesn’t even remember what happened that night. Even before the arrest I had sought out counseling; he doesn’t feel he needs any help. What is going on with this man?!
Abby
Dear Abby,
I am so sorry you had to have this very tragic experience. It was fortunate that you were already connected with a therapist so you had some professional support to guide you through all the events that happened.
It is difficult with the information provided what level of alcoholic your husband might be. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism identifies five subtypes of alcoholics: 19.5% are “functional”, 31.5% are “young adult”, 21% are “young antisocial, 19% are “intermediate familial” with mental illness, and only 9% are “chronic severe” stereotypical of the low-bottom alcoholic. Other experts in the field estimate that 75-90% of alcoholics are high-functioning. Treating high-functioning alcoholics is very challenging for addiction counselors because these individuals maintain their lives so well.
Your husband may be a high functioning alcoholic: someone that is in denial of being an alcoholic, has a well respected professional and personal life, lives a double life appearing to the world to be managing life well, and has not experienced tangible losses and/or consequences from drinking. Or he may not, an alcohol assessment by a professional could start to establish a diagnosis.
My biggest concern would be the blackouts and the fact that he claims not to remember what happens during the blackouts. A person in a blackout does not loose consciousness. Blackouts are often caused by rapidly consuming large amounts of alcohol that can interfere with the ability of the brain to form new memories. Because alcohol does not interfere with memories made, and information learned, prior to becoming intoxicated, outside observers, like police officers, are often unaware of the person’s true level of intoxication. A person in a blackout can still engage in goal-directed, voluntary, complicated behaviors like driving cars.
Contrary to some belief’s, blackouts alone are not an indicator that a person is addicted to alcohol. Research suggests evaluating alcohol dependence on just blackouts may be misleading; all the other signs of problem drinking must be taken into consideration to indicate the level of problem with alcohol.
Blackouts always need to be a cause for concern as they represent a dangerous state of impairment for the drinker as well as being a danger to themselves and others. In addition to an alcohol assessment, a complete physical would help to rule out any other potential physical causes for the blackouts.
Abbey, I can only imagine how confusing and frustrated this must be for you to be living through. Your husband’s denial will keep him from seeking treatment. You need to continue to work with your therapist to understand yourself and your own behavior of why you may be staying in an abusive relationship. And, take the time to educate yourself about alcoholism and blackouts. There are many good websites with research information, visit support meetings to understand what others are going through, and, most of all, always keep good boundaries for the safety of you and your child.
Be well on your journey.
__________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
My husband and I have only been married three years, I adore him and the little family we have started together. To the outside world we look like a happy couple with everything going for us—good jobs, nice home, great family and friends. The dark secret is that while my husband doesn’t drink all the time, when he does drink he goes into a paranoid-type violent blackout that totally disrupts our life. This last blackout ended with a knock down fight in a parking lot while I was trying to take the keys away from him. The police ended up arresting me instead of him because they “witnessed” me hitting him (in self-defense) and let him drive home! Eventually everything was weeded out, but at the cost of our marriage, our financial security, and probably psychological damage to our young son. He continues to deny that he has any kind of a drinking problem and says that he doesn’t even remember what happened that night. Even before the arrest I had sought out counseling; he doesn’t feel he needs any help. What is going on with this man?!
Abby
Dear Abby,
I am so sorry you had to have this very tragic experience. It was fortunate that you were already connected with a therapist so you had some professional support to guide you through all the events that happened.
It is difficult with the information provided what level of alcoholic your husband might be. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism identifies five subtypes of alcoholics: 19.5% are “functional”, 31.5% are “young adult”, 21% are “young antisocial, 19% are “intermediate familial” with mental illness, and only 9% are “chronic severe” stereotypical of the low-bottom alcoholic. Other experts in the field estimate that 75-90% of alcoholics are high-functioning. Treating high-functioning alcoholics is very challenging for addiction counselors because these individuals maintain their lives so well.
Your husband may be a high functioning alcoholic: someone that is in denial of being an alcoholic, has a well respected professional and personal life, lives a double life appearing to the world to be managing life well, and has not experienced tangible losses and/or consequences from drinking. Or he may not, an alcohol assessment by a professional could start to establish a diagnosis.
My biggest concern would be the blackouts and the fact that he claims not to remember what happens during the blackouts. A person in a blackout does not loose consciousness. Blackouts are often caused by rapidly consuming large amounts of alcohol that can interfere with the ability of the brain to form new memories. Because alcohol does not interfere with memories made, and information learned, prior to becoming intoxicated, outside observers, like police officers, are often unaware of the person’s true level of intoxication. A person in a blackout can still engage in goal-directed, voluntary, complicated behaviors like driving cars.
Contrary to some belief’s, blackouts alone are not an indicator that a person is addicted to alcohol. Research suggests evaluating alcohol dependence on just blackouts may be misleading; all the other signs of problem drinking must be taken into consideration to indicate the level of problem with alcohol.
Blackouts always need to be a cause for concern as they represent a dangerous state of impairment for the drinker as well as being a danger to themselves and others. In addition to an alcohol assessment, a complete physical would help to rule out any other potential physical causes for the blackouts.
Abbey, I can only imagine how confusing and frustrated this must be for you to be living through. Your husband’s denial will keep him from seeking treatment. You need to continue to work with your therapist to understand yourself and your own behavior of why you may be staying in an abusive relationship. And, take the time to educate yourself about alcoholism and blackouts. There are many good websites with research information, visit support meetings to understand what others are going through, and, most of all, always keep good boundaries for the safety of you and your child.
Be well on your journey.
__________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: JUST WRONG!!
Dear MAx,
The other day my 14-year-old son came to me and said, “I hate that you let dad abuse you.” I was shocked hearing the word “abuse” coming from my son in regards to his father. My husband has never hit either my son or me. My son said that he was talking about how his father screamed, shouted, harassed, and humiliated people, particularly us, to get his way. My husband is a good provider, loves us, and, yes, does get emotional at times saying things that I am sure he regrets later. I believe this behavior is just a carry over from his own childhood. How can I convince my son I am not abused?
Paula
Dear Paula,
What if your son is right? What if you are being abused? EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, that is. Many people think that if there are no marks or bruises from physical lashing out, then there is no abuse. WRONG!
What we know about physical abuse connected with domestic violence is: that a woman is battered in the U.S. approximately every nine seconds; domestic violence cases contribute to more injured women then muggings and car accidents combined; even though domestic violence is the most under reported crime, it occurs in 60% of marriages.
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is difficult to track. Emotional abuse is very under reported because of the myth that if there are not bruises and/or marks, there is no abuse. Experts have yet come to a clear definition of what constitutes emotional abuse. What experts do agree on is that, like physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is based on power and control. Forms of emotional abuse manifest through rejection, isolating, overly jealous and possessive, terrorizing, degrading, emotional deprivation, corrupting and/or exploiting.
Consider these factors as possible indicators of emotional abuse:
-depression -trust issues -health issues with no basis
-withdrawal -stealing -feelings of shame and guild
-low self-esteem -spontaneous crying -overly passive
-sleep problems -substance abuse -avoid eye contact
-suicidal thoughts -aggression -self-depreciation
If you are ready to consider that you are being emotionally abused, know that no one ever deserves to be abused in any manner. It is not your fault that this is happening to you and your children; you are not causing the abuse. You are not alone; others are starting to openly talk about this serious issue. Help is available.
Paula, you mentioned that your husband’s “behavior is just a carry over from his own childhood.” These are issues that he needs to address in individual counseling. But, more importantly, your 14-year-old son is being influenced to repeat the same behavior. Sadly, 90% of battered women reported that their children were present during the domestic violence; so, not surprisingly, 25%-30% of adolescent relationships are also abusive relationships, then grow up to abuse their spouses and children. As an adolescent, your son is learning to be a couple by watching how you and your husband interact. Just as your husband learned from his parents, your son is learning his parents. The fact that your son brought your “abuse” to light is his way of reaching out for things to change in the family. What a great kid you have!
Changing the family doesn’t necessarily mean breaking the family up. There are so many good therapists available to help with individual—adult and adolescent--and family therapy. Therapists work with their clients to identify what the problems are, identify factors that contribute to those problems, then work on giving clients tools, strategies, to be able to reach a positive outcome.
_______________________________________________________________
Dear readers, if you suspect, or know, someone is being emotionally and/or physically abused take time to listen, to validate what is happening, offer support: “What can I do to help?” Know services available to support the person, such as child welfare or family services contact information; transition house or shelters; health professionals including therapists. And, remember, it is a moral obligation for every person to report suspected or know child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or to the police.
___________________________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
The other day my 14-year-old son came to me and said, “I hate that you let dad abuse you.” I was shocked hearing the word “abuse” coming from my son in regards to his father. My husband has never hit either my son or me. My son said that he was talking about how his father screamed, shouted, harassed, and humiliated people, particularly us, to get his way. My husband is a good provider, loves us, and, yes, does get emotional at times saying things that I am sure he regrets later. I believe this behavior is just a carry over from his own childhood. How can I convince my son I am not abused?
Paula
Dear Paula,
What if your son is right? What if you are being abused? EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, that is. Many people think that if there are no marks or bruises from physical lashing out, then there is no abuse. WRONG!
What we know about physical abuse connected with domestic violence is: that a woman is battered in the U.S. approximately every nine seconds; domestic violence cases contribute to more injured women then muggings and car accidents combined; even though domestic violence is the most under reported crime, it occurs in 60% of marriages.
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is difficult to track. Emotional abuse is very under reported because of the myth that if there are not bruises and/or marks, there is no abuse. Experts have yet come to a clear definition of what constitutes emotional abuse. What experts do agree on is that, like physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is based on power and control. Forms of emotional abuse manifest through rejection, isolating, overly jealous and possessive, terrorizing, degrading, emotional deprivation, corrupting and/or exploiting.
Consider these factors as possible indicators of emotional abuse:
-depression -trust issues -health issues with no basis
-withdrawal -stealing -feelings of shame and guild
-low self-esteem -spontaneous crying -overly passive
-sleep problems -substance abuse -avoid eye contact
-suicidal thoughts -aggression -self-depreciation
If you are ready to consider that you are being emotionally abused, know that no one ever deserves to be abused in any manner. It is not your fault that this is happening to you and your children; you are not causing the abuse. You are not alone; others are starting to openly talk about this serious issue. Help is available.
Paula, you mentioned that your husband’s “behavior is just a carry over from his own childhood.” These are issues that he needs to address in individual counseling. But, more importantly, your 14-year-old son is being influenced to repeat the same behavior. Sadly, 90% of battered women reported that their children were present during the domestic violence; so, not surprisingly, 25%-30% of adolescent relationships are also abusive relationships, then grow up to abuse their spouses and children. As an adolescent, your son is learning to be a couple by watching how you and your husband interact. Just as your husband learned from his parents, your son is learning his parents. The fact that your son brought your “abuse” to light is his way of reaching out for things to change in the family. What a great kid you have!
Changing the family doesn’t necessarily mean breaking the family up. There are so many good therapists available to help with individual—adult and adolescent--and family therapy. Therapists work with their clients to identify what the problems are, identify factors that contribute to those problems, then work on giving clients tools, strategies, to be able to reach a positive outcome.
_______________________________________________________________
Dear readers, if you suspect, or know, someone is being emotionally and/or physically abused take time to listen, to validate what is happening, offer support: “What can I do to help?” Know services available to support the person, such as child welfare or family services contact information; transition house or shelters; health professionals including therapists. And, remember, it is a moral obligation for every person to report suspected or know child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or to the police.
___________________________________________________________________________
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Monday, July 11, 2011
NEW AGE MOVEMENT: THE INTENDERS OF THE HIGHEST GOOD
Dear MAx,
I am concerned about my granddaughter and her husband because they seem to have gotten mixed up with a group called the Intenders. Since becoming involved with this group they just aren’t themselves. Our family have always been devout church goers. Is this one of those new age churches that will change their Christian thinking?
Ellie
Dear Ellie,
For many this concept of “new age” thinking can be confusing and, at times, scary for traditional thinkers. Let me try, in this short space, to explain both new age thinking, and what Intenders are.
According to the Online Wikipedia the definition of this New Age Movement is “a decentralized Western social and spiritual movement that seeks “Universal Truth” and the attainment of the highest individual human potential.”
One of the key characteristics of New Age spirituality is that each individual defines their approach to spiritual practices and philosophies by identifying, living, and practicing their core beliefs. Some New Age thinkers are religious and spiritual; others are religious but not spiritual; and, yet others are not religious at all, but very spiritual.
The New Age Movement can be found in American history as early as the 19th century filtering into the early 20th century. The most significant changes occurred in the 20th century--the distinct New Age lifestyle began to emerge. It continued to grow slowly, then gained real momentum in the 1980’s, strengthened even more in 1987, and continues to grow rapidly to this day.
Two events of this period of time may have influenced the New Age Movement to have it be as strong as it is here in 2009. One was a book written in 1971 by Tony Shearer called “Lord of the Dawn” that predicted the Harmonic Convergence. This book turned attention to the works of Jose Arguelles, an esteemed scholar, artist, and author of “The Mayan Factor: Path Beyond Technology”. These two books may be responsible for all the attention being given to “the coming of 2012”.
“2012” is a year that is significant to several different calendars and carries a warning through scriptures, prophecies, legends, and numerologists, of drastic changes around the world. Traditional thinkers interpret these changes as apocalyptic, while New Age thinker’s interpretation is that “the planet and its inhabitants may undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation.” Of course, the scientific community rejects both of these thoughts.
The second event that influenced the growth of the New Age Movement was the actual astrological event known as the “Harmonic Convergence”. “Harmonic Convergence” is a “new age astrological” term used to describe a planetary alignment with the Sun, Moon, and six planets between August 16 and 17, 1987. This convergence was believed to have shifted the earth’s energy changing global thinking from warlike to peaceful; from conflict to cooperation.
Remember, this is very brief, very summarized, history of New Age Thinking. It is important to understand the basis of New Age Thinking to understand the Intenders Movement.
As we entered the 21st Century a group of four good friends living in Hawaii, supporting each other to create better lives, started “The Intenders of the Highest Good”. It worked so well for them that, led by Tony Burroughs, they started to reach out to inspire and guide people to realize their lifelong dreams by merely setting intentions.
The most important piece of The Intender’s philosophy is that the intention is to be said out loud daily, and, “State that, in order for your intentions to manifest, they must serve the highest and Best Good of the Universe, yourself, and everyone concerned.” This philosophy is tied into the New Age Thinking of peace and cooperation.
Ellie, if we had time to explore the New Age Thinking even further, we would probably discover that the core beliefs are the same as you were taught as a child, that you in turn taught your child, and they theirs. You were probably taught from a book called “The Bible”. The traditional words from that book are: “thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself..” Leviticus 19:17-19; and, “..liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.” Samuel 25:6.
Whether praying for peace and cooperation around the world with Traditional truth, or speaking New Age truth, the INTENTIONS are the same. Ellie, I think your granddaughter and her husband continue to share your 20th century core values with 21st century thinking. It’s all good.
Be well on your journey.
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
PERSONALITY CHANGE
Dear MAx,
When I was younger I was always outgoing and wasn’t afraid to say what was on my mind. Now, in my forties, I find myself being timid, shy, and unable to express myself. This change doesn’t work for me because I am in a profession that requires being outgoing and assertive. What can I do to get back to my “old self”?
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Your question is interesting in that it implies that you have experienced a drastic personality change. If you were sitting in front of me there would be a million questions I would ask to clarify your life from “younger” to “forties”. Since I don’t have a lot of information, I will answer in generalities.
Personality changes aren’t unusual as we age; however, drastic personality changes are. Even though basic personality traits were thought to be set in stone by 30 years old, the latest US research has found that gradual adjustments continue to occur throughout life.
Sudden changes can be an indication of something else going on. If you have experienced depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol abuse, premenstrual syndrome, stroke, brain tumor, or brain injury, please be sure to consult a physician. These could be symptoms of things other then normal aging personality changes.
There are the “Big Five” key personality traits that have been studied to measure personality changes with age. These traits affect your life both positively and negatively in the areas of health, goals, achievements, relationships, career success, and spirituality beliefs.
These “Big Five” characteristics are:
Conscientiousness. A career builder; key to developing a high work ethic: organized, disciplined, loyal, excellent performance, and strong commitments.
Agreeableness. A door opener: friendly, pleasant, easy to be around, strong relationships, social—energized from being with people.
Neuroticism. Negatively impacts physical health: anxiety, worrier, emotionally unstable, depressed, and sad.
Openness. Type “T” personality. Coined by Dr. Frank Farley, Temple University, to describe risk takers: adventuress, daring, insightful, imaginative, and creative.
Extroversion. Centre of attention: assertive, talkative, active, and loves being around a lot of people.
If you are encountering hardships as a result in any of the “Big Five” above, then you may be ready for a personality makeover. “Hardships” would include relationship issues, fears of moving forward, or, feeling inadequate at work.
The first step in pursuing a personality makeover is to be ready and committed to making a change. Once you are committed, you can begin working on the following steps to consciously change your personality:
Examine your ulterior motive for wanting to change. Be sure that you are changing to improve the way you feel about yourself and the world around you. Changing to please others sets you up for failure and it isn’t healthy—there will always to “others” to change for; “You can’t please all the people, all the time.”
Pick a specific “Big Five” to change. Trying to change more then one characteristic will be overwhelming. Take small steps making big personality changes. Experience the feelings and reaction of the change—“Be one with the change.”
Be patient—it takes time to change. Remember, you didn’t get this way overnight, changing your personality trait overnight is unrealistic. Set small reasonable goals, be patient, stay focused and persistent. “A journey of baby steps.”
Be accountable. Share with someone you trust what you are working on and enlist their help, support, and motivation. Ask them to call you on displays of your new personality trait, and be open to accepting praise about the change you are making. Believe that “You are an awesome person!”
Seek an objective point of view. You may need more support; be open to seeking other resources like books, support groups, life coaches, counselors, classes, and workshops. Having an objective point of view will strengthen your reasons for making a healthy personality change. “Search and you will find.”
Changing your personality will change your life. It will open doors you were unable to access through before; it will bring you new friends and activities that will add to your growth; and, you may learn that the glass is neither half empty nor half full—it is overflowing with possibilities.
Rachel, consider the symptoms listed above for sudden changes. If you have not experienced any of these, then make the decision to change using the steps listed. I believe the adage is still true that “we are never too old to change.”
Be well on your journey and enjoy your makeover.
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper are only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
ADDICTION: LETTING GO
Dear MAx,
I get so upset with my family and friends. My 23-year-old son has been addicted to drugs since he was a teenager. He is in and out of our lives and moves in and out of our home always bringing drama with him. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go of him and allow him whatever consequences he deserves for his actions. I love my son. I fear for him because of the lifestyle he is living. I keep hoping that on one of his extended visits at home, he will decide that this is where he wants to be. I can’t just let him go. I need to know that he is safe and I need him to know that we love him and are here for him. How do you let go of someone that you love so much when you know they are making decisions that could cost them their life?
Mona
Dear Mona,
Letting go is not easy even when our children are healthy and making good decisions. As parents we may feel it is our duty to continue to protect our children into and through adulthood. When our children are making poor life decisions we want to step in and make things all better for them.
The reality, Mona, is that your son is on his own journey. For men, the teens through age thirty are growing up times. They are still discovering with who they are and what their role is in the world.
The outcome of their journey could be predicted on the earlier stages of their life, particularly the first five years of their life. If your son had a solid first five years with no significant trauma, he would have developed trust, security, and be goal-directed. In this case, he will have the ability, with the right help, to pull out of his drug addiction.
If, however, your son experienced a difficult first five years, his ability to fit-in, his self-confidence, and his values have been compromised. In this case, he will probably always choose ways to isolate from society—including his family. Intensive therapy with a mental health worker with addiction education could help in situations like this.
As I said above, letting go is difficult for any parent. Here is a wonderful handout I give my clients: (author unknown)
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it means someone else walks their own path.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that control is an illusion.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to have faith, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it is to own my own thoughts and actions.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish the gifts I receive from it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to present and in awareness.
To “let go” is to understand that it is impossible to simultaneously be in fear and faith at the same time.
To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.
Mona, letting go is about taking care of your “self”, thinking only positive thoughts for you and others, and staying in your awareness of what action you need take. Most of all letting go is about believing that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience—including your son.
In American society we are conditioned to lovingly care for our children until age 18. I believe that the hardest part of being a parent is learning to appropriately let-go of and start focusing more on ourselves.
Be well on YOUR journey of self-care.
“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
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