Dear MAx,
My husband and I have only been married three years, I adore him and the little family we have started together. To the outside world we look like a happy couple with everything going for us—good jobs, nice home, great family and friends. The dark secret is that while my husband doesn’t drink all the time, when he does drink he goes into a paranoid-type violent blackout that totally disrupts our life. This last blackout ended with a knock down fight in a parking lot while I was trying to take the keys away from him. The police ended up arresting me instead of him because they “witnessed” me hitting him (in self-defense) and let him drive home! Eventually everything was weeded out, but at the cost of our marriage, our financial security, and probably psychological damage to our young son. He continues to deny that he has any kind of a drinking problem and says that he doesn’t even remember what happened that night. Even before the arrest I had sought out counseling; he doesn’t feel he needs any help. What is going on with this man?!
Abby
Dear Abby,
I am so sorry you had to have this very tragic experience. It was fortunate that you were already connected with a therapist so you had some professional support to guide you through all the events that happened.
It is difficult with the information provided what level of alcoholic your husband might be. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism identifies five subtypes of alcoholics: 19.5% are “functional”, 31.5% are “young adult”, 21% are “young antisocial, 19% are “intermediate familial” with mental illness, and only 9% are “chronic severe” stereotypical of the low-bottom alcoholic. Other experts in the field estimate that 75-90% of alcoholics are high-functioning. Treating high-functioning alcoholics is very challenging for addiction counselors because these individuals maintain their lives so well.
Your husband may be a high functioning alcoholic: someone that is in denial of being an alcoholic, has a well respected professional and personal life, lives a double life appearing to the world to be managing life well, and has not experienced tangible losses and/or consequences from drinking. Or he may not, an alcohol assessment by a professional could start to establish a diagnosis.
My biggest concern would be the blackouts and the fact that he claims not to remember what happens during the blackouts. A person in a blackout does not loose consciousness. Blackouts are often caused by rapidly consuming large amounts of alcohol that can interfere with the ability of the brain to form new memories. Because alcohol does not interfere with memories made, and information learned, prior to becoming intoxicated, outside observers, like police officers, are often unaware of the person’s true level of intoxication. A person in a blackout can still engage in goal-directed, voluntary, complicated behaviors like driving cars.
Contrary to some belief’s, blackouts alone are not an indicator that a person is addicted to alcohol. Research suggests evaluating alcohol dependence on just blackouts may be misleading; all the other signs of problem drinking must be taken into consideration to indicate the level of problem with alcohol.
Blackouts always need to be a cause for concern as they represent a dangerous state of impairment for the drinker as well as being a danger to themselves and others. In addition to an alcohol assessment, a complete physical would help to rule out any other potential physical causes for the blackouts.
Abbey, I can only imagine how confusing and frustrated this must be for you to be living through. Your husband’s denial will keep him from seeking treatment. You need to continue to work with your therapist to understand yourself and your own behavior of why you may be staying in an abusive relationship. And, take the time to educate yourself about alcoholism and blackouts. There are many good websites with research information, visit support meetings to understand what others are going through, and, most of all, always keep good boundaries for the safety of you and your child.
Be well on your journey.
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