ADDICTION: LETTING GO

Dear MAx,

I get so upset with my family and friends. My 23-year-old son has been addicted to drugs since he was a teenager. He is in and out of our lives and moves in and out of our home always bringing drama with him. Everyone keeps telling me I need to let go of him and allow him whatever consequences he deserves for his actions. I love my son. I fear for him because of the lifestyle he is living. I keep hoping that on one of his extended visits at home, he will decide that this is where he wants to be. I can’t just let him go. I need to know that he is safe and I need him to know that we love him and are here for him. How do you let go of someone that you love so much when you know they are making decisions that could cost them their life?

Mona

Dear Mona,

Letting go is not easy even when our children are healthy and making good decisions. As parents we may feel it is our duty to continue to protect our children into and through adulthood. When our children are making poor life decisions we want to step in and make things all better for them.

The reality, Mona, is that your son is on his own journey. For men, the teens through age thirty are growing up times. They are still discovering with who they are and what their role is in the world.

The outcome of their journey could be predicted on the earlier stages of their life, particularly the first five years of their life. If your son had a solid first five years with no significant trauma, he would have developed trust, security, and be goal-directed. In this case, he will have the ability, with the right help, to pull out of his drug addiction.

If, however, your son experienced a difficult first five years, his ability to fit-in, his self-confidence, and his values have been compromised. In this case, he will probably always choose ways to isolate from society—including his family. Intensive therapy with a mental health worker with addiction education could help in situations like this.

As I said above, letting go is difficult for any parent. Here is a wonderful handout I give my clients: (author unknown)

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it means someone else walks their own path.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that control is an illusion.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to have faith, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it is to own my own thoughts and actions.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish the gifts I receive from it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to present and in awareness.

To “let go” is to understand that it is impossible to simultaneously be in fear and faith at the same time.

To “let go” is to fear less, and love more.

Mona, letting go is about taking care of your “self”, thinking only positive thoughts for you and others, and staying in your awareness of what action you need take. Most of all letting go is about believing that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience—including your son.

In American society we are conditioned to lovingly care for our children until age 18. I believe that the hardest part of being a parent is learning to appropriately let-go of and start focusing more on ourselves.

Be well on YOUR journey of self-care.

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper is only $28/year mailed to your home!

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.