RECOVERY RELATIONSHIP

Dear MAx,

I have been in recovery for ten years. I attend an AA meeting at least five times per week, love working the program, and have formed a tight knit loyal community. Even though my wife participates in Alanon we seem to be growing apart. We have been married fifteen years and have gone through the worse of times and now the best of times. Why would she want to leave now?

Jess

Dear Jess,

Congratulations on your ongoing recovery efforts. As you have learned, living a clean and sober life has many rewards. AND, it also has a downside called “real life”. In real life people experience the good, the bad, the sadness, and the joy, without finding ways to escape what is really going on.

I recently read a touching book called “Life Interrupted: It’s not all about me” by Chris M.Tatevosian. Even though Chris’ life infliction was MS, I could certainly see a lot of my addiction clients in what he was describing as his life experience with a debilitating disease.

Chris’ message was that his marriage fell apart because “my problem was that I acted like my problems (around MS) outweighed the importance of any problem or concern she had……I felt the world owed (me) everything.”

The recovery process is an interesting journey. One of the characteristics of an addictive behavior is self-centeredness. For the addict, the recovery process becomes all about them: need to go to my meeting, need to meet with my sponsor, need to support this event—it becomes all about “the program”.

The “tight knit community” is just that—tight knit. Often times participants of the program form their friendships within the program. Everything becomes the program. Some times this is fear based because participants feel if they don’t have the constant support, or attend meetings regularly, they will relapse. Other times, usually because of long term use starting at an early age, the participant doesn’t have the life skills to extend out of the program community.

With the total focus being recovery—yours and others—the importance of other problems within the family may be overlooked or minimized. I have heard of participants so focused on “the program” that they have skipped an important family event because they had “to attend my home group meeting.”

There are no clear statistics available on how many marriages actually end up in divorce once a spouse achieves a level of recovery. However, talking with other addiction professionals, we agree that the number could be high.

Three plausible reasons we came up with for the divorces are:

-Too much focus on recovery, not enough on rebuilding the marriage

-A realization that the marriage/relationship was built on one person’s need to take care of someone else 

-The spouse continues to grow outside of the program

So, Jess, if you are feeling like your marriage is beginning to end, there are things you might be able to do to save it.

First, definitely seek marriage counseling. Both of you need to agree that you want the marriage to work, and that you are both willing to make compromises to make it work. Also, be sure the marriage counselor you choose together also has a certification, or education, in addiction treatment.

Secondly, it is interesting how, when the addict starts to become healthy, the spouse looses interest. This is what the program calls “co-dependency”. Certainly Alanon is a helpful place to understand this emmeshed type of behavior. But, I would say that if your wife has been going for ten years, maybe she might want to consult with an individual counselor—again, someone with addiction treatment credentials.

Finally, if your spouse has been consistent with healthy growth behaviors—job advancements, community involvement, building friendships outside the program--then you might have simply outgrown each other. Seeking marriage counseling may help you understand that you have each just chosen a different path to continue walking. Neither is right or wrong; it just is.

Life is about balance. Life is about growing. Growing together, but never overshadowing the other. Is your recovery overshadowing your relationship? Are you making new friends, experiencing new things, expanding your world outside of “the program”? Be sure your life is in balance.

Be well on your journey.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.