ADDICTION: FAMILY RECOVERY

Dear MAx,

My husband finally recently went into much needed treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.  The kids and I are enjoying a quiet house for the first time in years without all the unexpected chaos his addiction brought to our home. But, now, the treatment center he is at is saying that I, and the children, need to participate in this treatment program. Neither I, nor our children, have any addiction problem—the problem is his! Is it really 

necessary for us to participate?

Mary

Dear Mary,

I have heard the family system compared to a mobile: an art form of strings and rods that are balanced to maintain equilibrium.  The parts of the mobile are flexible enough that it is always changing through movement, but continues to stay connected.  For a family that has been affected by addiction, each individual in that family adapts to some sort of behavior the decreases the stress in the family, but, at the same time, supports the addictive behavior. Everyone in the family takes on a role that may compulsively lead to repressed feelings and, often, results in a survival-type behavior. Your husband, entering treatment, has started a journey to change his behavior, thus, changing the equilibrium of your family. What will happen when your husband returns home with newer, healthy behaviors, but all of you are still in your survivor-type roles?  For instance, remember all the suspicions you had every time he was late coming home, or, when you found money missing? Was your first thought about where and how he was using? Can you remember all the disappointments you and the family suffered by endless broken promises and expectations? What about the embarrassment and resentments about not feeling comfortable attending events where drinking was likely to occur, thus, isolating yourself and your children from extended family and friends? Oh, yes, and can you deny that you have never felt guilt for being the cause of the addiction? All these emotional upsets, caused in response to the addict’s behaviors, serve to create an unhealthy atmosphere that strains the balance and structure of the family. All family members unwittingly become part of their own problem. The best solution is for all family members to change what they are doing by learning to identify what their unhealthy role is and how that role contributes to the unbalance of the family system, learn to focus on their own needs, and know where to get help and support to make these changes. Fortunately, your husband has entered a treatment program that recognizes the importance of including family members in the recovery process. The need for recognition, acceptance and understanding of each family member’s role is necessary for the entire family to recover and return to a balanced equilibrium. The answer, Mary, is ‘YES’ in order for your family to heal, it will be necessary to participate in your husband’s treatment program.

For those of you who are struggling with a loved one that is continuing to use, or struggling with recovery efforts, begin to make ‘YOU’ priority.  The National Council on Alcoholism provides information, referrals, and counseling. Al-Anon and Alateen are worldwide self-help organizations for family members and friends of alcoholics.  Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) help people overcome negative thinking and behavior patterns adopted while growing up in an alcoholic home. Professional care is available in the form of individual, family, couples, or group therapy.  Call your local crises line listed in the phone book for additional resources available in your area.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.