WISE USE OF TR

Reprinted from SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Eugene, OR

SPRINGFIELDTIMES.NET 

Dear MAx,

I recently retired with a great plan to travel, do some hobbies, learn new things—I was really excited about this new life that my wife and I were going to start. No sooner did we make our first travel plans that our 29 year old son announced that he was moving home because things were uncertain at his job. That was two years ago. This just isn’t what I thought retirement was going to be. 

How can I get my son out on his again so my wife and I can get on with our lives?

 

Robert

Dear Robert,

Adult children returning home seems to be a common theme these days. You and your wife are experiencing what so many other empty nestors are experiencing: the boomerang generation.

The boomerang generation is part of approximately 76 million Generation Y group born from 1978 to 2000. According to the US Census, in 2006, of the people between 18 and 24 years old, 53 percent of American males and 43 percent of American females were living at home with their parents. With the economical challenges presently being presented I am sure future Census data will show that both the numbers and age of people returning home is increasing.

Boomerang adults aren’t the only unexpected twist happening with the retiring population.

Census data also shows that there are over 6 million grandchildren being raised either directly, or indirectly, by their grandparents. And, according to a 2008 AARP Newsletter, it is estimated that over “50 million people are caring for chronically ill or elderly relatives during any given year.”

Problems that are presented can include privacy being invaded, finances being stretched, and feeling disoriented as to what your role as a parent is in this situation. Your role is no longer parent to child. What do you think would happen if you parented adult to adult?

Combining lifestyles of two different generations can be very difficult. Neither generational lifestyle is right nor wrong; it is just different. Here are some suggestions of how you may be able to return to a blissful retirement:

1. Set a projected date of when your son will leave. This date can be a month, a year, two years, what ever is agreed upon. This date offers a light at the end of the tunnel.
2. Set rules which would include your son conforming to your lifestyle; you do not have to conform to his lifestyle. Address use of alcohol and/or drugs, TVs, computers, video games, bringing dates home, etc. 
3. Charge rent. If you are in a solid financial situation and don’t really need the money, put the money in a bank account that would be available for his relocation.

Remember that even though you are coming from a place of love for your child, he is an adult. Have confidence in yourself that you and your wife gave him a good foundation to survive in the world and to work hard to create his own reality.

After all, Robert, you  and your wife have worked hard to create this retirement time in your life: start enjoying your TR (time remaining). “The best is yet to come.”

Glad we talked about this. Of course, it is just my opinion.

Be well on your autumn journey.

________________________________________________________________

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or other life transitions: ‘Ask MAx’. Send questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

________________________________________________________________________

LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING SERVICES

MA FABRY COUNSELING

105 W. “Q” Street, Springfield, OR  97477

Mail: PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440

541-510-2548   maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

NORMIES TEST FOR SOBRIETY

Reprinted from SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Eugene, OR

SPRINGFIELDTIMES.NET 

Dear MAx,

I met the most fantastic woman while training for a marathon.When we completed the marathon I knew she was “the one”. I was devastated when she broke up with me because, she said, I was a “normie” and her sponsor told her that she wasn’t ready for a relationship—particularly with a ‘normie”. What?!! What is a “normie”?

Sean

Dear Sean,

One of the earliest definitions of the word “normie” was to describe anyone that did not have a diagnosis of a mental illness. The word is commonly used in 12-step meetings to describe people that have no clue about addiction and/or their process of recovery.

According to a recent article by Carole Bennett, MA, in The Huffington Post: “Normal, daily stressors that the "normie" might take in stride can turn into monumental issues of such a catastrophic nature that their coping devices are non-existent or too early in their infancy to deal with the situation at hand.”

Human beings have a “flight and fight” brain mechanism that prompts them to do one or the other when they think they are in danger.

“Normies” are usually triggered to “fight” because they have the ability and skills to work (fight) through the ups and downs of life experiences.

Recovering people, on the other hand, are triggered to “flight”: “…monumental hurdles to the alcoholic/addict and life on life's terms can be so daunting and overwhelming, their thinking tells them to bail at whatever cost.” The scientific explanation of this reaction is explained by the disruptions of neuro-pathways that generate states of well-being. The “flight” is the by-product of the brain’s inability to process stressful situations.

Most people know that “detox” is the necessary beginning for someone dependent on alcohol and/or other drugs. This is the period of time that toxins are freed from the body. The common time period used by treatment centers is approximately six weeks. In actuality, depending on the length of use, and other simultaneous chemical abuse, it could take the body up to two years to detox; up to five if methamphetamine dependence is a factor.

Once someone is stabilized in their addiction, usually by a 12-step program, they may be prone to experiencing post-acute withdrawal symptoms that can linger for weeks, months, or years. This is an indicator that the recovering person needs to supplement their “recovery” to individualized treatment.

Twelve-step programs are incredibly successful supporting total abstinence, which is what an addict needs –particularly in the early stages of recovery. “The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous” reminds program participants that the program is to be used in cooperation with other “professionals in their community”. These professionals include therapists, clergy, and physicians.

Individualized treatment allows the recovering person the opportunity to identify and change “using” behaviors, learn skills to confidently interact with “normies”, and to continue their quest for a healthier lifestyle. When seeking a qualified addiction counselor, life coach, be sure they are certified for addiction treatment.

As for you, Sean, attending Alanon will provide any “normie” with the information and insight they may need for being in a committed relationship with a recovering person.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa.

Glad we talked about this. Of course, it is just my opinion.

Be well on your insightful journey.

_____________________________________________________________________

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or other life transitions: ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

_____________________________________________________________________________

LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING SERVICES

MA FABRY COUNSELING

105 W. “Q” Street, Springfield, OR  97477

Mail: PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440

541-510-2548   maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

BOUNDARIES FOR LIFE AND SOCIAL MEDIA

Reprinted from SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Eugene, OR
SPRINGFIELDTIMES.NET 


Dear MAx,

Even though my daughter is very intelligent, she tends to trust people too quickly. Shortly after she meets someone she will talk their ears off sharing information about herself that might not be appropriate. Recently one of her “best friends” shared some very personal confidential information about her on the internet.  As a result, she has been put of probation with her job, lost many of her friends, and feels so mortified she doesn’t want to leave her home. How do I help her through this difficult time.

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Use to be that slandering by word of mouth among social groups would cause repercussions like your daughter recently experienced. These days slandering, or violating someone’s confidence has extended to the worldwide internet.

In the world of face to face communicate there are three varying levels of disclosure used depending on how long, how well, and how trusted someone is in our personal social circle:

-Intimate: These are people that we have known for a long period of time (usually all our lives), who know everything about us, and still love, accept, and care about us. These are not limited to family and other relatives. This is usually the smallest “social group” in our circle. You feel comfortable enough with these folks to share anything about your life.

-Acquaintance/Friends: These are people that we meet throughout our life journey: colleagues, cliques, interest groups, etc. They may, or may not, know a lot about us, but they don’t know everything. Some of these people slowly make their way to the perimeters of “intimate”, but may never cross that line; others move out toward the next level, lose touch, and only become a distant memory as we move on. This part of the social circle may contain the majority of people in your life. You would tend to censor what you share.

-Strangers: These are people that we deal with on a commerce level, impromptu social events, and long-ago “acquaintance” level. These people may know your name, but not too much more. We share the least amount of disclosure with these people; they quickly move in and out of our life.

The worldwide internet has created an “anything goes” disclosure platform.

Social networking services provide platforms for people to focus on building networks, relationships, and share ideas, general thoughts, and common activities. A survey completed in 2011 found that 47% of Americans use a social networking service. These platforms are not always friendly, welcoming, or safe.

Social networking created a new social malady: cyber bullying. It started with cyber-bullying of middle school and high school students, and has now become a way of freely defaming, or casting shadows on anyone’s character—adult or child.

Two evil beliefs of social networking:

1.      If something is written for the public to read—it is true: NOT TRUE

2.      Everything written on the internet is true—NOT TRUE

To avoid destructive disclosure, on or off line, maintain the three levels of social disclosure listed above.

As for your daughter, Ruth, ask her to look at the people that have surrounded her with positive support and love through this time. What she will learn is that she has a strong intimate group.

______________________________________________________________________

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or other life transitions: ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

_________________________________________________________________

LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING SERVICES

MA FABRY COUNSELING

105 W. “Q” Street, Springfield, OR  97477

Mail: PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440

541-510-2548   maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

www.lifestylechangescounseling.com