PERSONALITY CHANGE

Dear MAx,

When I was younger I was always outgoing and wasn’t afraid to say what was on my mind. Now, in my forties, I find myself being timid, shy, and unable to express myself. This change doesn’t work for me because I am in a profession that requires being outgoing and assertive. What can I do to get back to my “old self”?

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Your question is interesting in that it implies that you have experienced a drastic personality change. If you were sitting in front of me there would be a million questions I would ask to clarify your life from “younger” to “forties”. Since I don’t have a lot of information, I will answer in generalities.

Personality changes aren’t unusual as we age; however, drastic personality changes are. Even though basic personality traits were thought to be set in stone by 30 years old, the latest US research has found that gradual adjustments continue to occur throughout life.

Sudden changes can be an indication of something else going on. If you have experienced depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol abuse, premenstrual syndrome, stroke, brain tumor, or brain injury, please be sure to consult a physician. These could be symptoms of things other then normal aging personality changes.

There are the “Big Five” key personality traits that have been studied to measure personality changes with age. These traits affect your life both positively and negatively in the areas of health, goals, achievements, relationships, career success, and spirituality beliefs.

These “Big Five” characteristics are:

Conscientiousness. A career builder; key to developing a high work ethic: organized, disciplined, loyal, excellent performance, and strong commitments.

Agreeableness. A door opener: friendly, pleasant, easy to be around, strong relationships, social—energized from being with people.

Neuroticism. Negatively impacts physical health: anxiety, worrier, emotionally unstable, depressed, and sad.

Openness. Type “T” personality. Coined by Dr. Frank Farley, Temple University, to describe risk takers: adventuress, daring, insightful, imaginative, and creative.

Extroversion. Centre of attention: assertive, talkative, active, and loves being around a lot of people.

If you are encountering hardships as a result in any of the “Big Five” above, then you may be ready for a personality makeover. “Hardships” would include relationship issues, fears of moving forward, or, feeling inadequate at work.

The first step in pursuing a personality makeover is to be ready and committed to making a change. Once you are committed, you can begin working on the following steps to consciously change your personality:

Examine your ulterior motive for wanting to change. Be sure that you are changing to improve the way you feel about yourself and the world around you. Changing to please others sets you up for failure and it isn’t healthy—there will always to “others” to change for; “You can’t please all the people, all the time.”

Pick a specific “Big Five” to change. Trying to change more then one characteristic will be overwhelming. Take small steps making big personality changes. Experience the feelings and reaction of the change—“Be one with the change.”

Be patient—it takes time to change. Remember, you didn’t get this way overnight, changing your personality trait overnight is unrealistic. Set small reasonable goals, be patient, stay focused and persistent. “A journey of baby steps.”

Be accountable. Share with someone you trust what you are working on and enlist their help, support, and motivation. Ask them to call you on displays of your new personality trait, and be open to accepting praise about the change you are making. Believe that “You are an awesome person!”

Seek an objective point of view. You may need more support; be open to seeking other resources like books, support groups, life coaches, counselors, classes, and workshops. Having an objective point of view will strengthen your reasons for making a healthy personality change. “Search and you will find.”

Changing your personality will change your life. It will open doors you were unable to access through before; it will bring you new friends and activities that will add to your growth; and, you may learn that the glass is neither half empty nor half full—it is overflowing with possibilities.

Rachel, consider the symptoms listed above for sudden changes. If you have not experienced any of these, then make the decision to change using the steps listed. I believe the adage is still true that “we are never too old to change.”

Be well on your journey and enjoy your makeover.

“ASK MAx” is published weekly in the Springfield Times, Springfield, OR http://www.springfieldtimes.net/. Subscriptions for the paper are only $28/year mailed to your home!

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.