NORMIES TEST FOR SOBRIETY

Reprinted from SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Eugene, OR

SPRINGFIELDTIMES.NET 

Dear MAx,

I met the most fantastic woman while training for a marathon.When we completed the marathon I knew she was “the one”. I was devastated when she broke up with me because, she said, I was a “normie” and her sponsor told her that she wasn’t ready for a relationship—particularly with a ‘normie”. What?!! What is a “normie”?

Sean

Dear Sean,

One of the earliest definitions of the word “normie” was to describe anyone that did not have a diagnosis of a mental illness. The word is commonly used in 12-step meetings to describe people that have no clue about addiction and/or their process of recovery.

According to a recent article by Carole Bennett, MA, in The Huffington Post: “Normal, daily stressors that the "normie" might take in stride can turn into monumental issues of such a catastrophic nature that their coping devices are non-existent or too early in their infancy to deal with the situation at hand.”

Human beings have a “flight and fight” brain mechanism that prompts them to do one or the other when they think they are in danger.

“Normies” are usually triggered to “fight” because they have the ability and skills to work (fight) through the ups and downs of life experiences.

Recovering people, on the other hand, are triggered to “flight”: “…monumental hurdles to the alcoholic/addict and life on life's terms can be so daunting and overwhelming, their thinking tells them to bail at whatever cost.” The scientific explanation of this reaction is explained by the disruptions of neuro-pathways that generate states of well-being. The “flight” is the by-product of the brain’s inability to process stressful situations.

Most people know that “detox” is the necessary beginning for someone dependent on alcohol and/or other drugs. This is the period of time that toxins are freed from the body. The common time period used by treatment centers is approximately six weeks. In actuality, depending on the length of use, and other simultaneous chemical abuse, it could take the body up to two years to detox; up to five if methamphetamine dependence is a factor.

Once someone is stabilized in their addiction, usually by a 12-step program, they may be prone to experiencing post-acute withdrawal symptoms that can linger for weeks, months, or years. This is an indicator that the recovering person needs to supplement their “recovery” to individualized treatment.

Twelve-step programs are incredibly successful supporting total abstinence, which is what an addict needs –particularly in the early stages of recovery. “The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous” reminds program participants that the program is to be used in cooperation with other “professionals in their community”. These professionals include therapists, clergy, and physicians.

Individualized treatment allows the recovering person the opportunity to identify and change “using” behaviors, learn skills to confidently interact with “normies”, and to continue their quest for a healthier lifestyle. When seeking a qualified addiction counselor, life coach, be sure they are certified for addiction treatment.

As for you, Sean, attending Alanon will provide any “normie” with the information and insight they may need for being in a committed relationship with a recovering person.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa.

Glad we talked about this. Of course, it is just my opinion.

Be well on your insightful journey.

_____________________________________________________________________

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or other life transitions: ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

_____________________________________________________________________________

LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING SERVICES

MA FABRY COUNSELING

105 W. “Q” Street, Springfield, OR  97477

Mail: PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440

541-510-2548   maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

BOUNDARIES FOR LIFE AND SOCIAL MEDIA

Reprinted from SPRINGFIELD TIMES, Eugene, OR
SPRINGFIELDTIMES.NET 


Dear MAx,

Even though my daughter is very intelligent, she tends to trust people too quickly. Shortly after she meets someone she will talk their ears off sharing information about herself that might not be appropriate. Recently one of her “best friends” shared some very personal confidential information about her on the internet.  As a result, she has been put of probation with her job, lost many of her friends, and feels so mortified she doesn’t want to leave her home. How do I help her through this difficult time.

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Use to be that slandering by word of mouth among social groups would cause repercussions like your daughter recently experienced. These days slandering, or violating someone’s confidence has extended to the worldwide internet.

In the world of face to face communicate there are three varying levels of disclosure used depending on how long, how well, and how trusted someone is in our personal social circle:

-Intimate: These are people that we have known for a long period of time (usually all our lives), who know everything about us, and still love, accept, and care about us. These are not limited to family and other relatives. This is usually the smallest “social group” in our circle. You feel comfortable enough with these folks to share anything about your life.

-Acquaintance/Friends: These are people that we meet throughout our life journey: colleagues, cliques, interest groups, etc. They may, or may not, know a lot about us, but they don’t know everything. Some of these people slowly make their way to the perimeters of “intimate”, but may never cross that line; others move out toward the next level, lose touch, and only become a distant memory as we move on. This part of the social circle may contain the majority of people in your life. You would tend to censor what you share.

-Strangers: These are people that we deal with on a commerce level, impromptu social events, and long-ago “acquaintance” level. These people may know your name, but not too much more. We share the least amount of disclosure with these people; they quickly move in and out of our life.

The worldwide internet has created an “anything goes” disclosure platform.

Social networking services provide platforms for people to focus on building networks, relationships, and share ideas, general thoughts, and common activities. A survey completed in 2011 found that 47% of Americans use a social networking service. These platforms are not always friendly, welcoming, or safe.

Social networking created a new social malady: cyber bullying. It started with cyber-bullying of middle school and high school students, and has now become a way of freely defaming, or casting shadows on anyone’s character—adult or child.

Two evil beliefs of social networking:

1.      If something is written for the public to read—it is true: NOT TRUE

2.      Everything written on the internet is true—NOT TRUE

To avoid destructive disclosure, on or off line, maintain the three levels of social disclosure listed above.

As for your daughter, Ruth, ask her to look at the people that have surrounded her with positive support and love through this time. What she will learn is that she has a strong intimate group.

______________________________________________________________________

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or other life transitions: ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

_________________________________________________________________

LIFESTYLE CHANGES COUNSELING SERVICES

MA FABRY COUNSELING

105 W. “Q” Street, Springfield, OR  97477

Mail: PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440

541-510-2548   maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com

www.lifestylechangescounseling.com

GROWING OLD ON YOUR TERMS

Dear MAx,

I am 79 year old and have been a widow for four years. Before my husband died he and I did a lot of things with our two grown children and their families. Seems like since he left I don’t see the kids as often, nor do I do much with our friends. I just don’t want to be one of those widows that sit in a comfortable chair hoping the children will call, or come by, and waiting for my turn to go. Can I rebel and not grow old?

Martha

Dear Martha,

“Rebel” what a wonderful idea? Why not? Why not create a reality at 79, or older, to think youthful, behave responsibly, and, truly live each day as though it were your last.

This past weekend I watched two programs pertaining to aging:

The first program profiled four individuals, all over ninety, and all very active both physically and mentally. While all of them attributed certain foods and exercise to their aging process, the point was made by “researchers” studying the aging process, that genetics still play a big part in how people age.

The second program highlighted “researchers” studying the life of bees to determine what contributes to healthy longevity. Their findings indicated that bees that hung out within the hive, rather than leaving the hive in search of pollen, actually lived longer. A preliminary conclusion was that being part of an active community, and not being alone, may increase longevity.

I like both of these ideas.

I also believe that adding the mind/body connection can be a factor of healthy, graceful aging. I remember seeing a video of Louise Hay, one of the early pioneers of the mind/body connection, at 82 years old. She looked fabulous, moved with the gracefulness of a thirty year old, and totally captivated her audience with her clear, insightful thoughts on aging.

I want to be like her when I am 82!

Five things I think we can do to “rebel as we grow old”:

1. Think positive, live positive;
2. Every morning check in with your body to warn it that you are going to have an outstanding day;
3. Be aware of situations that still need exploring by you—then explore them;
4. Get together with one younger friend and one older friend, and laugh about where you are in your life;
5. Identify who you are at this stage of your life, and, live with pride that you learned so many lessons along the way.

Last year, around this time, my 84 year old widowed aunt called to tell me that she had “fallen in love for the first time” in her life. Furthermore, she didn’t see why it would be necessary to discuss marriage-they both appreciated their independence. It has been difficult to catch up with her because they are always off doing things together since we had that discussion. My aunt, by the way is Italian—I would call how she is finally living her life as “all out rebellious”. 

I will be her—it is genetics.

Martha, life is for living. Define who you are at 79 and BE that person.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

ADULT CHILDREN RETURN HOME

Dear MAx,
I recently retired with a great plan to travel, do some hobbies, learn new things—I was really excited about this new life that my wife and I were going to start. No sooner did we make our first travel plans that our 29 year old son announced that he was moving home because things were uncertain at his job. That was two years ago. My son has been working off and on at his job, but doesn’t seem to be looking for something better. Given the economy, my wife and I have been patient about asking him to move on. Lately, though, things seem to be going down hill. When he’s not working he stays out until early hours in the morning, sleeps until two, then gets up, eats, and plants himself on the couch to watch TV, or play video games, before he goes out for the evening.We don’t charge him rent because we want him to save money to be able to get his own place. I don’t think this is working out either because now he is borrowing money from us. This just isn’t what I thought retirement was going to be. How can I get my son out on his again so my wife and I can get on with our lives?
Robert

Dear Robert,
Adult children returning home seems to be a common theme these days. You and your wife are experiencing what so many other empty nestors are experiencing: the boomerang generation.

The boomerang generation is part of approximately 76 million Generation Y group born from 1978 to 2000. According to the US Census, in 2006, of the people between 18 and 24 years old, 53 percent of American males and 43 percent of American females were living at home with their parents. With the economical challenges presently being presented I am sure future Census data will show that both the numbers and age of people returning home is increasing. Boomerang adults aren’t the only unexpected twist happening with the retiring population. Census data also shows that there are over 6 million grandchildren being raised either directly, or indirectly, by their grandparents. And, according to a 2008 AARP Newsletter, it is estimated that over “50 million people are caring for chronically ill or elderly relatives during any given year.”

Problems that are presented can include privacy being invaded, finances being stretched, and feeling disoriented as to what your role as a parent is in this situation. Your role is no longer parent to child. What do you think would happen if you parented adult to adult?

Combining lifestyles of two different generations can be very difficult. Neither generational lifestyle is right nor wrong; it is just different. Here are some suggestions of how you may be able to return to a blissful retirement:

1. Set a projected date of when your son will leave. This date can be a month, a year, two years, what ever is agreed upon. This date offers a light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Set rules which would include your son conforming to your lifestyle; you do not have to conform to his lifestyle. Address use of alcohol and/or drugs, TVs, computers, video games, bringing dates home, etc.

3. Charge rent. If you are in a solid financial situation and don’t really need the money, put the money in a bank account that would be available for his relocation.
Remember that even though you are coming from a place of love for your child, he is an adult. Have confidence in yourself that you and your wife gave him a good foundation to survive in the world and to work hard to create his own reality.. After all, Robert, you and your wife have worked hard to create this retirement in your life: start enjoying your TR.

Be well on your journey.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

PARENT OF ADULT ALCOHOLIC

Dear MAx,
I am the parent of an adult child in recovery from an addiction. We are living together and sometimes this person slips and reverts back to the old addiction patterns. The pattern is very slowly going and I can see the progress that has been made so far. My question is this: What boundaries does one set when the "other" addicted person is present versus the healthy "present" person. I am struggling with this because I know that my adult child wants to be healthy, complete and whole. Since I do not have health insurance and am living on social security, I feel that my resources are financially limited. My adult child is not working at this time and I feel the pressure of being the sole supporter. What can I do and what can my adult child do to help ourselves and each other?

Betty

Dear Betty,
I can see that you are caught up in a couple of dilemmas. I want to start by giving you kudos for the love and patience you are showing your “adult child”. Addiction and the economy have never complimented each other. Your adult child is fortunate for having you in their life. Obviously, you have not bought into the “tough love” philosophy. Good for you!

The “tough love” philosophy has been around for decades. While this approach for addiction treatment has never proven to be effective, or safe, it is still being used in many treatment programs. As an addiction counselor, this approach has never been personally comfortable because, ethically, I am bound “to do no harm”. Cruelty and humiliation has never resonated with me to guide people into a healthier lifestyle.

Economically the cost for treating addiction is expensive. Residential treatment programs can range anywhere from $8500 to over $50,000 for a 24-45 day program. Many of these programs are eliminating their after care support groups to save money. If you don’t have insurance that will cover the treatment, most likely, there isn’t very much State or Federal funding available to help. Some private practices will offer pro bono slots.

Even with insurance, however, caps are placed on how much the insurance company will pay out for addiction treatment, limits are placed on the type of treatment the company will allow, and, most sadly, “preventative” treatment is seldom covered. Insurance companies seem to be holding on to the idea that addicts can be “fixed” in a short period of time.

Here are some suggestions for people that are trying to support someone’s recovery with limited funding available:

EDUCATE YOURSELF: Attend 12 Step meetings to listen to what other addicts and family members are saying about their addiction, and how they achieved, or helped to achieve, a successful recovery. Attend lectures, workshops, and seminars to learn about treatment approaches. These events are often not always limited to professionals, and, sometimes offer scholarships or work credit.

SET BOUNDARIES: Lovingly, from your heart, let your loved one know what you are willing to tolerate, consequences of breaking agreements, and set limits on your money, time, and personal space.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Be sure to take time to be healthy yourself with exercise, nutrition, friendships, socializing, etc. Your addict needs examples of how to be healthy—living with you makes can provide a number one example. If you and your environment are not healthy, how can you expect your addict to change?

Betty, again, please let me acknowledge your love for your adult child. Love and patience are two of the ingredients necessary for an addict healing; now, add a cupful of knowledge, two cups of setting boundaries, a bundle of patient time, and a whole healthy you, and WHOOLA! you may just have a healthier adult child.

Be well.
_________________________________________________________________________
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

PRESCRIPTION DRUG ABUSE

Dear MAx,
My husband says that he has been in recovery from prescription drugs for almost two years. It is still really difficult for me to trust that he isn’t using, or planning on using. Whenever we go to visit family or friends I worry about whether he is going through their medicine cabinets. When he goes to see the doctor I worry that he is trying to get drugs. When he is on the computer I worry about him ordering drugs from online. Because of his addiction we almost lost everything that we have worked for, and I have seen little remorse from him that he is even aware how he has endangered the welfare of our family. I am getting exhausted watching and wondering about if he is using again. How can I be sure he isn’t using?

Phyllis

Dear Phyllis,
Thank you for bringing the growing problem of prescription drug abuse to the attention of my readers. As you have experienced, this addiction is insidious, negatively impacting the welfare of the family. Prescription drugs, particularly pain medications, have become the second most prevalent illegal drug problem. This unfortunate epidemic spreads across generations from teens to aging baby boomers.

Once an addict stops using and enters ‘recovery’, the family lets out a sigh of relief and immediately wants things to go back to ‘normal’. It is important for family members to be able to balance between denial and awareness. The denial is when loved ones want to pretend that the drug abuse never happened and “just put it behind us”. Drug abuse is a vicious cycle that can cause changes in the brain with the possibility of the addict developing stronger impulses to use. Family members need to educate themselves on the signs, symptoms, and effects of abusing prescription drugs. The National Institute on Drug Abuse website offers this information. You know your husband as well as anyone so you can probably detect differences in his behavior and moods when you know what to look for.

Recovery for drug addiction is an ongoing process involving behavioral and, sometimes, pharmacological treatment. While there are medications available to help addicts overcome withdrawal symptoms and drug cravings, people learn to function without abusing substances with behavioral treatments. Please keep in mind that many addicts in recovery may experience depressed moods for as long as a year or more.

It is important that you are taking care of yourself during your husband’s recovery. Focusing your attention and energy on whether or not your husband is using again, may distract you from what is important in your life. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Educating yourself with the information provided above, attending support groups to hear how other loved ones are dealing with the problem, and seeking both individual and couples counseling may help you better understand the problem of prescription addiction.

How can you be sure he isn’t using, Phyllis? Short of having him take a drug test whenever you suspect he is using, you may never be sure. Working on building a foundation of mutual trust and honesty may work better to return your family to your normal.
__________________________________________________________________________o
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nestor, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

SEASONS FOR ADDICTIONS

SPLAN FOR SEASON OF ADDICTIONS

Dear MAx
My partner stopped using alcohol and drugs last February. Things seemed to have been going pretty good until right around the beginning of November. What I am noticing now is that he is moody, snapping at people, and acting ‘squirrelly’. I don’t think he is using again. He sees an addiction counselor on a regular basis so I don’t feel it is my job to hold him accountable since he trusts his counselor. I have been reading a lot of books on addiction, have been talking to other people about it, and even attended an Alanon meeting. What information am I missing?

Sam

Dear Sam,

Holidays are difficult for people in recovery. We live in a society that includes intoxicants in all its celebrations. The early stage of recovery is difficult because of the detox process happening in the body. Throw in the holiday season with learned behaviors of celebration and, there you are, Sam, a ‘squirrelly’ partner. Let me share this bit of information offered by Sue Hosington, Director of Mental Health of the Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota:

RECOVERING PEOPLE NEED TO MANAGE HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS
The holidays can be a challenging time for all of us. It is so easy to get caught up in the spirit of the season, while feeling let down by unmet expectations. The holidays can be especially challenging for individuals recovering from chemical dependency. Maintaining sobriety can be difficult when memories, increased family contacts, and the emotional highs and lows of the season present us with unexpected issues.

Recovering people frequently have unrealistically high expectations of themselves, which simply adds to the stress of the time. Another source of potential relapse stems from feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression. Worry is a common expression of anxiety, and loneliness is a common expression of depression. These two emotions are especially heightened during the holidays.

It’s good to develop a holiday plan, one that will help confront memories, which threaten the quality of your holiday experience. Your plan will benefit from improved self-care, enhanced support from others, and healthy ways to celebrate. Some suggestions follow:

GOOD SELF-CARE is vital. Remember to slow down. Take some quiet time each day to reflect on an attitude of gratitude. Plan relaxation and meditation into your day, even for a few minutes, no matter how you are. Relax your standards, reduce overwhelming demands, and delegate responsibilities. And remember to laugh during your day.

EAT, HYDRATE, EXERCISE and REST. Go easy on the holiday sweets and follow a balanced diet. Monitor your intake of caffeine, nicotine, and sugar. Exercise regularly to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don’t try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor that can make us more vulnerable to relapse. Try and maintain some kind of schedule. Plan ahead—don’t wait until the last minute to purchase gifts or prepare to entertain.

ENHANCE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. Our culture presents the holidays as a time of joy, but this is not always so. Holidays can trigger many painful memories. They are a good time to reach out more frequently to your counselor, sponsor, and Twelve-Step group. Spend time with recovering people and activities. Let other help you realize your personal limits. Learn to say “no” in a way that is comfortable for you.

FIND NEW WAYS TO CELEBRATE. Create some new symbols and rituals that will help redefine a joyful and rewarding holiday season. You might host your own holiday gathering for special recovering friends and/or attend celebrations of your Alcohol Anonymous group to celebrate and not with people who are substance users. Don’t expose yourself to unnecessary temptations, such as gatherings where alcohol is the center of entertainment. If there are people who have a negative influence on you, make a choice to not be with them—or to limit time spent with them.

I hope that this information is not only useful for you, but for all people experiencing recovery in their life.
______________________________________________________________________
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘ASK MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to maxfabry@lifestylechangescounseling.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry at http://www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.