Dear MAx,
I recently retired with a great plan to travel, do some hobbies, learn new things—I was really excited about this new life that my wife and I were going to start. No sooner did we make our first travel plans that our 29 year old son announced that he was moving home because things were uncertain at his job. That was two years ago. My son has been working off and on at his job, but doesn’t seem to be looking for something better. Given the economy, my wife and I have been patient about asking him to move on. Lately, though, things seem to be going down hill. When he’s not working he stays out until early hours in the morning, sleeps until two, then gets up, eats, and plants himself on the couch to watch TV, or play video games, before he goes out for the evening.We don’t charge him rent because we want him to save money to be able to get his own place. I don’t think this is working out either because now he is borrowing money from us. This just isn’t what I thought retirement was going to be. How can I get my son out on his again so my wife and I can get on with our lives?
Robert
Dear Robert,
Adult children returning home seems to be a common theme these days. You and your wife are experiencing what so many other empty nestors are experiencing: the boomerang generation.
The boomerang generation is part of approximately 76 million Generation Y group born from 1978 to 2000. According to the US Census, in 2006, of the people between 18 and 24 years old, 53 percent of American males and 43 percent of American females were living at home with their parents. With the economical challenges presently being presented I am sure future Census data will show that both the numbers and age of people returning home is increasing. Boomerang adults aren’t the only unexpected twist happening with the retiring population. Census data also shows that there are over 6 million grandchildren being raised either directly, or indirectly, by their grandparents. And, according to a 2008 AARP Newsletter, it is estimated that over “50 million people are caring for chronically ill or elderly relatives during any given year.”
Problems that are presented can include privacy being invaded, finances being stretched, and feeling disoriented as to what your role as a parent is in this situation. Your role is no longer parent to child. What do you think would happen if you parented adult to adult?
Combining lifestyles of two different generations can be very difficult. Neither generational lifestyle is right nor wrong; it is just different. Here are some suggestions of how you may be able to return to a blissful retirement:
1. Set a projected date of when your son will leave. This date can be a month, a year, two years, what ever is agreed upon. This date offers a light at the end of the tunnel.
2. Set rules which would include your son conforming to your lifestyle; you do not have to conform to his lifestyle. Address use of alcohol and/or drugs, TVs, computers, video games, bringing dates home, etc.
3. Charge rent. If you are in a solid financial situation and don’t really need the money, put the money in a bank account that would be available for his relocation.
Remember that even though you are coming from a place of love for your child, he is an adult. Have confidence in yourself that you and your wife gave him a good foundation to survive in the world and to work hard to create his own reality.. After all, Robert, you and your wife have worked hard to create this retirement in your life: start enjoying your TR.
Be well on your journey.
Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.
