GROWING OLD ON YOUR TERMS

Dear MAx,

I am 79 year old and have been a widow for four years. Before my husband died he and I did a lot of things with our two grown children and their families. Seems like since he left I don’t see the kids as often, nor do I do much with our friends. I just don’t want to be one of those widows that sit in a comfortable chair hoping the children will call, or come by, and waiting for my turn to go. Can I rebel and not grow old?

Martha

Dear Martha,

“Rebel” what a wonderful idea? Why not? Why not create a reality at 79, or older, to think youthful, behave responsibly, and, truly live each day as though it were your last.

This past weekend I watched two programs pertaining to aging:

The first program profiled four individuals, all over ninety, and all very active both physically and mentally. While all of them attributed certain foods and exercise to their aging process, the point was made by “researchers” studying the aging process, that genetics still play a big part in how people age.

The second program highlighted “researchers” studying the life of bees to determine what contributes to healthy longevity. Their findings indicated that bees that hung out within the hive, rather than leaving the hive in search of pollen, actually lived longer. A preliminary conclusion was that being part of an active community, and not being alone, may increase longevity.

I like both of these ideas.

I also believe that adding the mind/body connection can be a factor of healthy, graceful aging. I remember seeing a video of Louise Hay, one of the early pioneers of the mind/body connection, at 82 years old. She looked fabulous, moved with the gracefulness of a thirty year old, and totally captivated her audience with her clear, insightful thoughts on aging.

I want to be like her when I am 82!

Five things I think we can do to “rebel as we grow old”:

1. Think positive, live positive;
2. Every morning check in with your body to warn it that you are going to have an outstanding day;
3. Be aware of situations that still need exploring by you—then explore them;
4. Get together with one younger friend and one older friend, and laugh about where you are in your life;
5. Identify who you are at this stage of your life, and, live with pride that you learned so many lessons along the way.

Last year, around this time, my 84 year old widowed aunt called to tell me that she had “fallen in love for the first time” in her life. Furthermore, she didn’t see why it would be necessary to discuss marriage-they both appreciated their independence. It has been difficult to catch up with her because they are always off doing things together since we had that discussion. My aunt, by the way is Italian—I would call how she is finally living her life as “all out rebellious”. 

I will be her—it is genetics.

Martha, life is for living. Define who you are at 79 and BE that person.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR  97440; or, e-mail your questions to:  askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.

ADULT CHILDREN RETURN HOME

Dear MAx,
I recently retired with a great plan to travel, do some hobbies, learn new things—I was really excited about this new life that my wife and I were going to start. No sooner did we make our first travel plans that our 29 year old son announced that he was moving home because things were uncertain at his job. That was two years ago. My son has been working off and on at his job, but doesn’t seem to be looking for something better. Given the economy, my wife and I have been patient about asking him to move on. Lately, though, things seem to be going down hill. When he’s not working he stays out until early hours in the morning, sleeps until two, then gets up, eats, and plants himself on the couch to watch TV, or play video games, before he goes out for the evening.We don’t charge him rent because we want him to save money to be able to get his own place. I don’t think this is working out either because now he is borrowing money from us. This just isn’t what I thought retirement was going to be. How can I get my son out on his again so my wife and I can get on with our lives?
Robert

Dear Robert,
Adult children returning home seems to be a common theme these days. You and your wife are experiencing what so many other empty nestors are experiencing: the boomerang generation.

The boomerang generation is part of approximately 76 million Generation Y group born from 1978 to 2000. According to the US Census, in 2006, of the people between 18 and 24 years old, 53 percent of American males and 43 percent of American females were living at home with their parents. With the economical challenges presently being presented I am sure future Census data will show that both the numbers and age of people returning home is increasing. Boomerang adults aren’t the only unexpected twist happening with the retiring population. Census data also shows that there are over 6 million grandchildren being raised either directly, or indirectly, by their grandparents. And, according to a 2008 AARP Newsletter, it is estimated that over “50 million people are caring for chronically ill or elderly relatives during any given year.”

Problems that are presented can include privacy being invaded, finances being stretched, and feeling disoriented as to what your role as a parent is in this situation. Your role is no longer parent to child. What do you think would happen if you parented adult to adult?

Combining lifestyles of two different generations can be very difficult. Neither generational lifestyle is right nor wrong; it is just different. Here are some suggestions of how you may be able to return to a blissful retirement:

1. Set a projected date of when your son will leave. This date can be a month, a year, two years, what ever is agreed upon. This date offers a light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Set rules which would include your son conforming to your lifestyle; you do not have to conform to his lifestyle. Address use of alcohol and/or drugs, TVs, computers, video games, bringing dates home, etc.

3. Charge rent. If you are in a solid financial situation and don’t really need the money, put the money in a bank account that would be available for his relocation.
Remember that even though you are coming from a place of love for your child, he is an adult. Have confidence in yourself that you and your wife gave him a good foundation to survive in the world and to work hard to create his own reality.. After all, Robert, you and your wife have worked hard to create this retirement in your life: start enjoying your TR.

Be well on your journey.

Have a question about addiction, recovery, or life transitions such as retirement, career change, grief and loss issues, empty nesting, etc, ‘Ask MAx’. Send your questions to Lifestyle Changes, PO Box 1962, Eugene, OR 97440; or, e-mail your questions to: askmaxcolumn@yahoo.com. Learn more about MAx Fabry and read her blog at www.lifestylechangescounseling.com.